2.14.2006posted by Donovan at 10:49 AM
OK, 'twas the night before Valentine's Day and all through the house, not a creature was stirring... well, except for David D., who's up late writing another newsletter for you.
...And since I basically defiled a cherished Christmas poem to begin with, it's probably worth mentioning that technically it's the night BEFORE the night before Valentine's Day for me...
So, I have been thinking a lot about Valentine's Day lately... and I've been talking about it with friends as well.
As I was reading some of my AO-Hell email, I noticed that there were not one... not two... but THREE different ads inside of EVERY email viewer window selling FLOWERS for Valentine's Day. You gotta love AO-Hell's way of sneaking those ads into every one of your emails, huh?
ANYWAY, as I was realizing what BIG BUSINESS Valentine's Day must be, I started wondering...
Where the heck did Valentine's Day come from?
So, I decided to do a little research.
Well, as it turns out, there are several different stories about the origin of Valentine's Day. But one of them is by far the most common.
Wanna hear it? Here it goes...
So, back in about the year 270 A.D. or so, there was a priest named, you guessed it, Valentine. Some versions of the story said that he was a Bishop. Either way...
In those days the Emperor needed men for his army and he decided that it wasn't good to have men marrying up with women... because then the men would be more attached to their families than the army.
So, the Emperor OUTLAWED marriage.
Yep, he said, "It's illegal to get married".
Those were the days, huh?
OK, so Priest and/or Bishop Valentine decided that he was going to help young lovers out by marrying them in SECRET.
Well, the Emperor got wind of this business, and put a stop to it in a "New York Minute".
So, here's Priest/Bishop Valentine sitting alone in prison and who comes along? The super-babe, young daughter of the jail owner's daughter... and, of course, he falls in love with her.
One version of the story I read said that she was blind and he healed her of her blindness.
In any event, right before his execution (yeah, they killed him for performing marriages), he wrote a letter to this girl he was in love with and at the end signed it "From Your Valentine".
And then he was executed.
OK... Fast forward several centuries, and now everyone is out buying heart-shaped cards, chocolate, and long-stemmed red roses for women who have come to expect them.
Gotta love it!
Aside from me wanting to know what the HECK a Catholic Priest was doing falling in love with a youngster way back in the year 270 (Over 1,700 years before this kind of thing was fashionable), I want to know how this turned into men chasing women around with gifts in the year 2006!
I get it, I get it. It's nice to have a day out of the year to celebrate your love for that special someone in your life. Very cute.
And if you're reading this right now and you're married... or you've had a girlfriend for a year or two... then by all means, get her some flowers and chocolate... and one of those cute pink cards.
But what about the REST of us?
Well, here's a little gem of wisdom from one of my all time favorite books, "The Rules". Yeah, the book that teaches women how to manipulate men into marrying them...
Here's it is:
"RULE 12: Stop dating him if he doesn't buy you a romantic gift for your birthday or Valentine's Day."
Nope, I'm not kidding.
By the way, a whole CHAPTER is dedicated to this rule in the book.
In the chapter, it basically says that if a man doesn't buy you jewelry (or some other romantic gift) for one of these holidays, then you should dump him, because he's not going to buy you the "big gift" of an engagement ring.
Now, before I present my radical extremist opposing perspective, I must first give you the disclaimer...
I think that long-term relationships are great, and if you're one of the lucky guys on this planet who has found a really exceptional woman, then more power to you, and I hope she likes the romantic gifts that you got her. Really.
But, for all the rest of us single guys (or guys who have just started dating a woman), I think that Valentine's Day can be kind of a drag.
Because there's another, more "subtle" message that this whole event communicates: The way to win a woman's heart is to buy her flowers, gifts, and jewelry... and to confess your feelings for her. And if she still doesn't like you, then you probably didn't get her enough gifts, or say the right things in the card.
While this idea of giving romantic gifts to show your love might be wonderful and healthy for LONGER-TERM relationships, it's usually a HORRIBLE concept for guys to use with women that they have just met, or who they've only dated a few times.
Even worse, for guys who don't have the skills to meet women and get dates, it's downright DEPRESSING.
I think that the Valentine's Day section of all stores should have a sign that says "No one who has been in a relationship less than 6-12 months allowed".
Because, if you "Go Valentine's Day" on a girl that doesn't know you very well (especially an unusually attractive one), you'll probably only be talking to her for another week or two.
Here's the problem...
MOST of the things that us guys have been brought up believing about how to "pursue" women is WRONG.
IT DOESN'T WORK.
Your mom loved you, but all that stuff she taught you about how to be a nice, respectable, ass-kissing Wuss Bag was waaaaaaayyyy off the mark.
See, the period from when you first meet a woman, up until the first 10 dates or so, is VERY different from ALL OTHER TIMES IN YOUR LIFE.
All of the rules you've learned about how to behave, how to be "nice", how to "make friends", how to treat people with kindness, etc., are USELESS here.
And EVEN WORSE, all the things you've learned about how to pursue women with gifts, food, and compliments will BACKFIRE on you big time if you use them here.
THIS PART OF THE GAME IS DIFFERENT.
And events like Valentine's Day, no matter how well-meaning they might be intended, definitely program us single guys with the WRONG way to behave around women we're attracted to (but not in a long-term relationship with).
So, what's the answer?
What should we be doing on Valentine's Day?
And how should we be feeling?
Well, here's a little self-tester and self-help quiz for you. If the statement and question applies to you, then do what comes after it...
1) "I just met this girl and I really like her. Should I go out and buy her something really nice for Valentine's Day?"
>>> If you just met her, then you should probably hold back... no big gifts. If you get a big, romantic gift for her, you're going to give her the idea that you're VERY into her. At this point, most women go into "play hard to get" mode, and become more and more difficult. If you really like her, do the things that have worked to attract
her... don't turn into a needy Wuss who seems like he's trying to buy her love and approval.
2) "I'm afraid that if I don't buy my girl something really nice for Valentine's Day, she'll leave me. What should I do?"
>>> The quack psychologist inside of me has a message for you: If you're insecure about your relationship with a woman to the point that you believe you have to BUY her attention, then HIT THE ROAD. If you're dating a woman who is interested in you for ANYTHING other than the feeling she gets from being with you... then you're in big trouble, and you don't even realize it. Down the road, she's going to be your worst nightmare. Trust me.
3) "I'm single and lonely. What can I do to get over this feeling of loneliness?"
>>> The BEST thing you can do is get out there and meet some women! Duh!
I was just chatting with a couple of different friends of mine who are both GREAT with women. They're both single guys who meet women anytime they want.
As it turns out, both of these guys had to LEARN these skills.
They started out having almost ZERO success with women.
We were talking about Valentine's Day, and how most guys run around chasing after women... buying them things... and generally acting needy with women that they hardly know... hoping to get some love and approval.
Here are a couple more things that both of these guys have in common:
1) They both have TONS of women calling them all the time.
2) They both avoid buying a Valentine's Day gift for ANY of the women they're seeing.
Their perspectives (and mine, as well) are that if you know how to meet women anytime you want, and women are attracted to you because of the FEELINGS that they get when they're with you (as opposed to the thing you buy them), then YOU get to make the rules.
My point is that if you are lonely and you're feeling bad about all this Valentine's Day business, then get up and DO something about it.
Get some skills. Meet some women.
Be the guy who GETS Valentine's Day gifts... instead of the guy who GIVES them.
Mark my words, next week or the week after, in one of these newsletters, you're going to see stories from guys who had women buying them all kinds of fancy things for Valentine's Day. And then the guy will mention that he got gifts from two or three other women as well.
I can remember when I used to think that I had to buy women jewelry, flowers, and gifts to get their love and approval and affection.
I did that for years.
And it never worked very well.
Well, after spending several YEARS studying the secrets that "naturals" use to attract women, I can see WHY it never worked very well.
If you want to be one of the guys who GETS all the gifts on Valentine's Day... and who has his phone ringing off the hook from women calling HIM, then I recommend you check out my eBook.
Inside, I'll teach you all of the steps to turning the odds in your favor... and how to meet the kinds of women that you've always wanted.
Valentine's Day is a pain for a lot of guys. But it doesn't HAVE to be that way. Take some action and take things into your own hands.
My eBook is here:
Labels: david deangelo
posted by Donovan at 10:49 AM Dating Advice for Men