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Doctor Paul (Seduction Masters Interview)

10.05.2006

posted by Donovan at 6:07 PM

Seduction Masters Interview

This is a cool interview I did with the famous Doctor Paul of the David Deangelo fame, and he clearly stands at the forefront of the science of attraction. You may have seen him in any of David's DVD's. Get something to eat, and sit down and digest this long interview that will really open your eyes!

(Check out his video)



I'm CEO of DoctorPaul.Net, where we provide the best material on communicating to women I have ever seen or heard of. Yes, grandiose sounding, except for the fact that it's the only cutting edge material truly based in multiple sciences you'll find, rather than based on strong-armed muscle-advertising or cult of personality. If you do an experiment and I do one and a million guys do one and get the same result, then we are forced to come to the same conclusion, and we say, "well that's the real deal." "Methods" based on the advertising clout, pr, or personality of the speaker do not work for every guy, every time, in every situation. Science does, when devised by a real scientist with formal education, not just the idiot's guide series, or a Robert Greene book.

I'm in my 30's, live in the midwest, and don't believe in "being in the game" - you're either a man who knows what time it is, or you have growing to do. I'm a physician and psychiatrist first, and an observer on all the acronyms, trademarks, seminars and the like in "the community" second. I don't take kindly to any activity that goes to an extreme, or fanaticism, cultishness (e.G. See tony robbins). If you want to talk in normal-people language, i'm up for it. I have been in business as a hobby for three years, but have been a struggling (and now successful) mainstream author and speaker for at least 12 years i kind of fell into this specific area of teaching people and writing by accident. I a psychoanalytic theorist by training and trade, which simply means I take complex human systems, and use real science, not kitchen table wisdom or locker room philosophizing, to come up with simple and practical, repeatable solutions to that complexity. I take human behavior and make it simple for people to use in their lives as if they actually had had my exact academic training and 14 years clinical experience as a psychiatrist. I want to duplicate myself into a million clones, or at least duplicate what know so that people can make better lives through understanding the mind - not in some weird lofty lab-academic way, but in normal language, and practical, and definitely accurate (which only science can provide, not just cults of personality).

So I accidentally met David Deangelo, and we talked, and found we thought a lot alike, and I saw a way to help him with my material, and also saw he used ideas in a more scientific way than anyone else in "the community", even though not a trained scientist academic himself. So he'd ask me a question and i'd show how science of the mind answers it. I'd ask him about business and he'd tell me just as eloquently how business works. So it was a fast friendship. Then I did some products with him for him, and before I knew it, guys wanted to talk to me and wanted me to make products for them. I feel david d may always be the industry leader in that specific field though, and good for him. I have other plans, to remain in that field but in many more, kind of like "intel inside," well it's like mindos inside.

Mindos is my original master theoretical work. It is original, and a true synthesis of all "schools of psychology" set in the world's only visual model of the workings of the mind. In short, it is a 'unification theory' of the mind, much like they seek in the area of physics. It is true "quantum psychology" and offers a new way to envision artificial intelligence too. It can be applied to dating, but also to any other area of a man's (or woman's) life - politics, friends, family, career, success, anything that has human systems or individual or group psychology to it. It took me 15 years to develop and 14000 patient encounters to deduce the material, 4 yrs undergrad, 4 yrs med school, 4 yrs residency, and 2 years psychoanalytic training. I firmly believe something for men could not possibly have been developed without that academic, formal education training and clinical experience as a physician and former student of all the sciences - biology, physics, chemistry, but also literature and myth, film, anthropology, sociology, economics, all of which I have thoroughly studied. Some "fields" like "nlp" mislead people into thinking you can bypass formal education and just model people. Well that doesn't lead to innovation, just a bunch of clone theories and products. It takes time to come out with a real advance in a real technology. Anyway...

1. Describe the moment, when you suddenly realized, "I need to work out this part of my life."

I was broken up with at 22 by a fiancee, and while studying and training to be a doctor, took up the cause of educating myself about the mind of women, and the notion of how human instinct and attraction work...I guess that personal goal led me out of being a surgery trainee and into psychiatry.

2. Have you had any mentors within life that have helped you improve your game, and what did they teach you?

Um, no. Mainly trial by fire, but I must say that I know so many people in so many fields that I really have learned bits and parts of attraction traits and skills from, from a guy who is about to hit it big in music with the coolest new band on mtv (known him for ten years, though he was 18 when we met - he used to play my parties),and he has no idea what "the community" is to this day. A guy who works for the european economic community and now lives in paris with his hot english wife, a guy who was a student and wingman of mine who worked for a colorado billionaire and now is in some sort of secret societies that really run the world, and a guy who is british, but arab descent, born in egypt, yet has worked for microsoft, and has the most silky smooth ways with women you've ever heard of, and yet none of these men know what the community is. I encourage men to have a much bigger life than any one group. However, the community is one of the only accepting, encouraging, respectful of each other groups of men that is young and multinational today - it's a valuable thing to have in society as long as strong ethics are still taught in it and it is not at all about just "getting laid". That's so adolescent. I've met many top notch guys who have a real life through community seminars.

3. You're background is in psychology, and you've been very successful. Did psychology influence you personally with attraction, or were mentor's a greater influence?

I'm not a psychologist. I'm an md psychiatrist/physician. Yes, I can literally "read" any woman or man who walks in the room within five minutes and know what their problems are in general, what their likely future relationship behavior is, and what they are attracted to. I do mean that. If you read malcolm gladwell's "blink" book, you know how that is possible. All those years of study and thousands of patients. You kind of get a "seventh sense"(tm) as I call it, and that sense is basically what I teach men in my products.

4. Can you describe the first time you used a counter-intuitive routine that yielded it's promised results, and how you felt?

I don't use routines. That's ridiculous. I'm about being myself and knowing what time it is with people and their behavior. Be real. I think there are a lot of promised results not based in science. And guess what, they don't work every time, for every guy in every situation. Science does. That's why it has lasted since the first caveman threw a rock in the air and shouted "cool" when it reliably fell to the ground every single time he threw it. Well, that's caveman science for you. I do like mystery's material in the sense that it does have an experimental testing tone to it, which is kinda sorta science-like, but still based in personal experience rather than formal research and education. Like him as a person too. He's an inquisitive mind, and a good heart, wanting to help guys. Some other folk, well whatever...

5. What is your favorite place to meet women, and how do you usually approach them?

Anywhere. Any time. I open my mouth without any routine or robotic geeky crap and say one word "hi", then I just vibe, and truly care about knowing what they know. This may not be in the form of asking questions to them, which can seem needy, but rather, I have always had something about me that makes people want to talk to me and tell me stories of their life. They like it, and it makes them like you back.

6. What options you have with women now?

Um, come on. I have any option I put my mind and heart to. That's just a matter of how much work and how much desire for a certain kind of relationship experience a guy wants to put forth. I have enjoyed a relationship with a mature, hugely attractive future attorney for about a year. It is a good thing for my life right now.

7. What was your hardest/biggest sticking point?

Hmm. Getting out of my head and into my body. I mostly discovered this by taking comedy improv acting class and finding it revealed a kind of hesitation about using my body freely and in any way I wanted to. So I worked on it, and now I dance, or use body language in any way I want. I think it also helps a guy to exercise regularly and feel great about your physical presence, though I know a lot of fat guys too who don't care and just dive into kino and body language freely and without hesitation.

8. Do you have a favorite routine, can you describe it, and what it accomplishes?

No. I don't believe in routines, and any sophisticated mature woman, whether she is 19 or 49 can pick up on how fake that is. You don't know it, but she certainly does, n if you blah blah blah calibrate blah blah. Be yourself be yourself be yourself. I mean the whole basis of my profession of 15 years is about being yourself and nonneurotic, comfortable with it and growing better character in you. I have traveled to so many countries known so many people and ne so many interesting things all I need to do is see a woman and guess that she too has been to the himalayas, or japan, or russia, and I start talking and asking her about compared experiences. I also can tend to pinpoint accents well, and know where people grew up. I dated a french "royal" for a few years, and she was a member of the aristocracy obviously. They were into the finer cultural things and I learned much about different european accents through her, then later from other travels, about asian, latino and other accents. Women are pretty impressed by that kind of seemingly voodoo knowledge, but it isn't about impressing. It's about the pleasure of learning and sharing that learning for me (and the women i have known)

9. Have you had the experience yet, where you feel that you've reached a certain degree of mastery? Can you explain the time, and how you got the realization?

I don't believe in rank and all these terms, except to say that I believe there is such a thing as an "omega male", which is way way more than an "alpha." In animals it is the lowest on the totem pole, but the term in humans means, alpha male sexual instinct skills, but very rich and mature character on top of even that. Think george clooney, james cavaziel, sting, anderson cooper, colin powell for men of various ages. Since I devised what amounts to the most thorough and accurate notion of a quantum psychology yet devised, you might guess that I believe people exist on spectrums, not boxes with labels like pua or afc. We start out less mature both in character and sexual instinct knowledge, and no matter how good we seem, there is always more evolving to do as a man...Til the day you die my friend. With all mastery, there is always higher mastery..But I do think that there are certain benchmarks a man has to reach to be considered more than just an adolescent male (or alpha male in terms of attraction skills alone, lacking high character), and if you add up those basic features that a true, full mature male must reach some day to be totally fulfilled in his life, that's what i mean by an omega male. And you heard these terms here first. I coined them.

10. What advice would you give to newbies starting out, in order to greatly accelerate their learning curve?

Be willing to "suspend judgment" on what is possible for you, E.g. Let go the past, and experiment, be curious, and take on mentors. That's what I provide in live seminars at doctorpaul.net.

11. You worked with David Deangelo on his deep inner game program. What's your belief on inner game, and what are some specific practical techniques guys could start doing now to greatly improve this area?

Answer: Yeah he's a great guy, and genius businessman, but the system presented was my original, patent-pending material alone. It was a basic version of my very first theoretical work, but in the 2-3 years since that, I have developed new, more sophisticated, simple and effective material. The most detailed version available of my core theory is too complicated to explain in just this interview, but it is Mindos: the operating system of the human mind, an ebook on doctorpaul.net.

I am not "an inner game guy." I have doped out the entire human psychology of dating, mating and what used to be called courtship. That means "inner game" "outer game""coupling" etc. All these terms are artificial. Would you agree that you do have both a mind and body? Sure. But can you extract one from the other? No way. They are intertwined, and to say one is more important than the other is ridiculous and pointless. We are men, and men need to learn every aspect of all psychology (of the mind, the body, our words, our actions, our identity, our careers, our friends, family, and lives in general) in order to mature and master their communication and effectiveness with women. My systems cover all of it, including some secret stuff I have revealed to no one until my upcoming books appear with the major publishers this coming year. For now, I fully discuss what I am allowed to by my publisher, at my live seminars for men at Doctorpaul.net.

12. Do you have a personal favorite field report that you could relay?

Sure, a guy from my most recent seminar: call him Jeremy: (and he refers prominently to material from my ebook at doctorpaul.Net, which is about precisely identifying the personality style of women and therefore what they are attracted to, what they are likely to do in the future regarding you, and whether they are a fit for you (if they "qualify"), in terms like queen, magician, etc, is what he is referring to...Also keep in mind before the seminar, he had no idea how to approach and get dates with women... "Datingos" refers to my latest theoretical work for men at live seminars...

Hi Dr paul,

Made it back from the spain trip which followed the chicago seminar, where yes... Even in spanish you can use datingos concepts.

Example...

I was working at the hospital, caught the eyes of a pretty cute spanish maiden, and stayed cool for a while before asking her name (she tells me).

We kind of go our ways, do our thing. The next day, we meet up again, and I ask her to do a few simple things for me so I can get my own tasks done.

She promptly helps out, and goes her way. She later comes back to ask my name (which she has trouble pronouncing, though has fun trying her best). Correct me if i'm wrong, but the post-wussie me sees this as a significant girl boy question. So I keno up on her after that and have my arm around her waist in a few seconds, right in front of the others working around us. Ah, europeans :) i'll see her again I suppose if/when I go back. The real plan however is to get together with the 26 year old daughter of an older hot nurse that I worked with and got to know me. I saw the daughter on the screen of her phone, and mom tells me it's her daughter as I peek for a better look. Omg, she was a latin hottle 10+! I calmly asked if her daughter was married. I get this shocked look from mom as she tells me that she's still single, and a tv producer who's in cuba right now, but otherwise she'd have introduced us. So I proceed to tell her i'd like to meet her next time, and go dancing. She agreed (we'll see if the daughter does :)

back in the states I returned to irretrevable data loss on my mac (dang, never happened before in 15 years of apple computers for me!) so I need all the ebooks again (mindos, masculine power, toolbox, and kwml).

Ok, don't know if I told you about going out with an 18 year old, bachelorette number 1. With this experience I have accomplished several things...

1. Blow away the limiting belief of not being able to date younger women.

2. Sharpened my dating skills in general (conversation, date location selections, physical escalation... I don't know for sure how I did it, but there was no last minute resistance, and I could've done anything i wanted. It was enough just hearing her moan and scream my name :)

3. Learn better how to recognize a mismatch in psychological ages. This was most important.

She knows i'm dating other girls, so i'm going to tell her the truth that I'm more attracted to the others, and don't foresee long term potential between us.

Bachelorette number 2: A much closer in psychological age 26 year old grad. Student who majored in history, and minored in math (she teaches math right now part time). I met her when I sat down at a writing course at the univ. here. I greeted the man next to her, who i'd met at work before. He introduced her to me as his daughter. We exchanged small talk throughout the course, and at the end of the day, when we got up to leave I said, "well it's been a pleasure meeting you. I've enjoyed our conversation and would like to talk to you more... Here's my card, let's stay in touch." She smiled big and said, "i think i'd like that." She emailed me 2 days later, and we've gone out almost every weekend since. She's a solid 8.5. She's just returned from a job interview associated with john's hopkins which she really likes. I have no intention of asking her to consider our relationship as she looks at possible employment. I believe that would show too much clingy/needy boy-like thinking. I've encouraged her to go for whatever job makes her happiest, and that i'm excited for her.

Ok, well that's all for now. Thanks for everything, big bro. Oh, and as for the omega male discussion. You know, when I saw that term in your newsletter, I too thought it a bit off... In contrast with alpha male ideas we have. But after I read into the newsletter a few paragraphs, I thought, "this is the perfect term! I want a woman to think of me as the last man she would ever want or need!

Someone who, when another alpha male other guy flips her attraction switches when i'm not around, will then say, "thanks, but no thanks. I'm dating the perfect guy, and I just couldn't see myself going out with someone else." Bingo. I'm omega. I'm essential to her life. Though, not to be confused with omega-6 essential fatty acids, also essential for her to have... Specificallly for adequate estrogen levels and, in consequence, voluptuous essential feminine curves. Lol! I swear, being a lover has it's advantages... I'm finding i'm a natural when it comes to wordsmiting and sweet talking. I'm a lot less down on myself for not being the best warrior, king or magician, and happy to just make some improvements in those weak areas while capitalizing on my lover strengths.

Ok, ok... Really. I've got to go. This has been fun. Talk to you later! Frank

So that's my recent favorite field report. I prefer not to call them that, since this was more of a cool life's experience abroad for this guy, not a "field report." You make me think of the "colbert report" with that term, and sometimes they need to be just as lampooned as the overserious guests on that show.

13. What is your current sticking point (if any)?

What sticking point? I love my life. Which is not to say i'm an arrogant ass. I really really like things right now, and continue to grow. "Sticking points" for me were in my early twenties.

14. What are you goals now within the community, and in life?

I want to take endless hours of work in medicine, reading, seeing patients, learning business, advertising, marketing, meeting tens of thousands of people and their stories, and turn it all into super-brain-food for men that's "tasty" (that's david d's term for me), then give it to millions of men to better their lives with. I want to meet more and more interesting people for the rest of my life, travel everywhere I haven't been, and learn to take vacations that really are that and not just working vacations. I also have a mission to shed light on goofy ideas that lead people astray, as seen in some business and political practices...So I guess i'm about justice and truth simply, and giving to people like crazy. Sometimes I think my head is full of so much I want to give away there just aren't enough people to receive it. I dig leonard davinci, carl sagan, einstein, freud...And I don't know how to say this in a less corny way... science, when you get the rare opportunity to see it in it's most elegant form, is so beautiful it makes me want to cry.

And not like a wuss. Like a normal guy who gets to see miracles right before his eyes every day, helping people, and call that "work."

It's not work to me.

Thanks Dr. Paul for all you've done in the research of dating and male improvement!

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posted by Donovan at 6:07 PM Dating Advice for Men

12 Comments:

Anonymous Jonas said...

Fantastic interview - keep up the good work.

12:39 AM, October 06, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amazing, not a single bit
of usable advice. Wordy....and yet vacant.

5:51 AM, October 06, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Another douchebag spouting, "Just be yourself" and getting guys to pay for it.

8:35 AM, October 06, 2006  
Anonymous Jordan said...

I hate to hate but this guy bugs me...

3:44 PM, October 06, 2006  
Blogger BigSend said...

Well just because he didn't tell all in this interview, Dr. Paul's MindOs stuff has helped me tremendously in the past and still now.

Also, his King Warrior Magician Poet/Mindos stuff... its actually a pretty awesome "routine" or thing you can teach someone if they are willing to learn.

7:56 PM, October 06, 2006  
Blogger Doctor Paul said...

Anonymous #1 and #2: I guess that's why you're "anonymous"

Jordan: meet me out back. Come alone.

lol, kidding. Text and blog interviews are imperfect at conveying a clear profile of a guy's identity.

If you had a chance to meet me personally, we'd probably be fast friends. This was just an interview, not a complete compendium of what I teach. It's actually pretty technical but practical, and of the like you will never see even in an academic center let alone a "dating guru seminar." promise. actually, look me up and come for free to the next seminar in chicago. Our staff will house you.

Then you can call me the douchbag who bugs you but hung with you like a true brother and taught you more in 3 days than you've learned in ten years. And perhaps I'll say the same about you.

Cheers all,
DP

11:34 PM, November 07, 2006  
Blogger Doctor Paul said...

P.S. A shout-out to Jonas and Bigsend. Bigsend what you been up to in your field adventures?

11:35 PM, November 07, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

a whole lot of nothing. as a man of charm this guy communicates with a slime-like humility. better follow another "guru" cause this one reeks of fakeness. just because he's got a couple of degree doesnt mean shit- academia has nothing to do with it. and REAL gurus never stoop to that level, even if they do have credentials.

11:52 PM, April 22, 2007  
Blogger sk8rdan said...

Paul Dobransky

Ever coming to Tampa, FL?

Unbelievable work

2:42 AM, May 01, 2007  
Blogger Doctor Paul said...

Hi "anonymous." Well I have the "charm" to at least say my name, which says a whole lot of a lot, actually. What are you offering in value here?

I know people don't like to hear about degrees and the like if they don't have them (which the "gurus" you "follow" do not.) It does make a difference.

If you have a brain tumor, you don't go to an auto mechanic to have it removed. You go to a neurosurgeon. He has a degree, but that is not meant to hurt your ego. It's meant to save your life.

I'm not a "guru," I don't follow "gurus," and I'd suggest you don't either. Follow your own good sense.

See you at a seminar, sooner ... or later. And see you for free in the media, widely, very very soon.

9:44 AM, May 02, 2007  
Blogger Nesselsdorf said...

Great interview with a great guy. I had a chance to hear more about MindOS in DYD program 'Deep inner game', which I highly recommend to anybody with a brain (you need hardware to use this software ;).
I had also an opportunity to meet him in person and hear some interesting stuff of his, about two years ago. Unfortunately, back then I didn't know it was Doctor Paul. Bummer. I've actually found out it it was him two weeks ago through DYD.
Would be great to meet him again. Hopefully there will be a seminar soon. Or I would even pay for his coffee if I were to meet him here in Chicago. :o)
Regards.
Merrick

6:11 PM, May 18, 2007  
Anonymous StackEmUp said...

Doctor Paul, I must say, after watching you on David Ds Deep Inner Game video I absolutely love the stuff. Although I am still very young I want to thank you for the meek style you add to the often overly egotistic Gurus, but I understand they have to be this way to convey their points. I can't judge your personality but your material is excellent and has brought such a new perpective on my life. And the anonymous people on here are blantently refusing to try any of this stuff and that's why their stuck.

8:54 AM, May 21, 2007  

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Sexual Health In Relationships

posted by Donovan at 11:30 AM

This is a great article that was on MSN Health about Sexual Health in relationships. I thought that this is a very important issue for relationships, and dating in general. The importance of orgasms and a healthy relationship is based on intimacy. I like the guide on sex that one of the guys in the community completed check it out here.

Although sex usually is a source of great pleasure, it can also be the cause of significant stress between partners. Even if you feel fulfilled in your sex life, you may worry about your performance when you hear about what others do behind closed doors — and how often.

But a fulfilling sexual relationship isn't dependent on frequency or specific sexual behaviors. Instead it's reliant on whether the sexual experience makes both you and your partner feel good without compromising either person's health.

David Osborne, Ph.D., a psychologist at Mayo Clinic, Scottsdale, Ariz., addresses these and other issues regarding sexual health in monogamous relationships.

Many people wonder whether their sex life is "normal." Can you help us understand the full range of what constitutes "normal" sex?

It's common for people to wonder whether their frequency and variety of sexual activity are similar to those of other people. Statistics on sexual behavior can be quite misleading. For example, a couple might read that the average married couple has intercourse three times a week. They may not be aware, however, that this average includes a wide range. The frequency of intercourse might range from zero for some to 15 or 20 times a week for others. Therefore, even if their frequency of intercourse is more or less than three times a week, their behavior is within the range of normal human experience. The most important consideration isn't whether their frequency and pattern of sexual activity matches some average, but whether each partner is satisfied and comfortable with the sexual relationship.

It's difficult to arrive at a definition of normal sexual behavior. Cultural attitudes, religious beliefs and the law may all play a role in defining what is considered normal. Within these cultural, religious and legal contexts, a couple's own beliefs are crucial in determining what's "normal" for them.

Human beings may respond to a wide variety of arousing stimuli. As long as a sexual fantasy or behavior doesn't lead to emotional or physical discomfort, conflict in the relationship, or problems in other aspects of their lives, it shouldn't be a source of concern.

What questions can partners ask each other to help determine whether their needs are being met?

The best way is to observe and discuss each other's feelings. For example, does the anticipation of sexual activity produce feelings of pleasure, excitement and arousal? Or does it produce a feeling of pressure, guilt or a sense of obligation? Each partner can also consider how he or she feels after sexual activity. Is there a feeling of satisfaction, relaxation and enjoyment? Or are there feelings of guilt, resentment or anger? If the anticipation and completion of sexual activity usually produces positive feelings in both partners, then their sexual relationship is working for them. If one or both are left with negative feelings, then there's a problem.

What suggestions do you have for couples who have significantly different levels of sexual desire?

There are wide differences in the level of sexual interest and desire among people. Desire also fluctuates for each person as his or her life circumstances change. If the difference between levels of sexual desire is small, couples are generally able to negotiate their activity so that they both feel satisfied.

However, if the disparity in sexual desire is quite large, it can have a negative impact on the relationship. In these situations, the partner who has the lower level of desire often feels pressured to do something that he or she doesn't feel like doing. In the long run, this can lead to resentment, anger and a further decline in sexual desire. The partner with the higher level of desire often begins to feel unloved, deprived and desperate. Because of the increasing feeling of deprivation, the person with greater sexual desire might press for sexual activity even more frequently and more vigorously. This creates a cycle in which one partner's desire increases while the other loses all interest.

Strategies for dealing with a large disparity in sexual desire can be complex and may require the help of a therapist, especially if the problem has existed for a long time. A therapist might address the issue by suggesting that the person who has low interest in sexual intercourse shouldn't be pressured to participate. The therapist might also say that it's good for the relationship when the person with the higher level of desire feels his or her sexual needs are being met adequately. One strategy for accomplishing both of these conditions involves the partner with the lower level of desire being willing to provide sexual satisfaction for the partner in ways that don't involve sexual intercourse. The use of other techniques can avoid forcing the partner with the lower interest to experience sexual arousal when he or she doesn't feel like becoming aroused.

When this approach is used, the partner with the lower level of desire may get pleasure from pleasing the partner. The person with the higher level of desire regains the feeling that the partner does care about his or her sexual satisfaction. In some couples this leads to an increase in desire in the partner with the lower level of interest and a reduction in the pressure for more frequent sexual activity from the partner with the higher level of desire.

Some couples aren't able to accept such an approach. They might feel that they shouldn't engage in any sexual activity unless they're both aroused, or they might feel that sexual satisfaction from an activity other than intercourse is wrong.

What would you suggest to couples who experience tension because one partner requests sexual activities that don't interest or may even repulse the other person?

When a partner's preference for a specific sexual behavior is a source of conflict, the partners need to use negotiation skills to arrive at a pattern of behavior that is acceptable to both. This requires being willing to listen and avoiding blame and ridicule. It's important to consider whether the behaviors being requested are harmful.

Although people shouldn't engage in behavior they consider repulsive, if they're simply uninterested, they might want to try experimenting with the partner's fantasy or behavior to further explore their own feelings about it. If a person decides that they don't want to participate in the behavior requested by his or her partner, it's best for the partner to stop requesting that behavior. If the couple is unable to come to an agreement on this issue, it might be worthwhile to consult a psychologist, physician or marriage counselor to obtain another perspective.

What are the conditions that make it possible for a person to engage in satisfying sexual behavior?

For a person to become sexually aroused and to function normally, he or she needs to have a feeling of self-confidence, freedom from anxiety, the presence of arousing mental and physical stimulation, and the ability to focus attention on sexually arousing thoughts or behavior. Anything that interferes with these conditions can disrupt a sexual encounter. If one or more of these conditions is routinely absent, an inability to perform can become a lasting problem.

Self-confidence includes a belief that you'll be able to perform sexually, a belief that the partner finds you attractive, and a feeling that the partner has good intentions. If one of the partners routinely belittles or threatens the other, such confidence can be undermined.

Any type of anxiety can lead to an episode of sexual failure. The most common type of anxiety is performance anxiety, in which the person is afraid that he or she won't be able to become aroused and function normally. This fear of failure is self-perpetuating because the anxiety interferes with arousal. The inability to become aroused then increases the anxiety.

In order to become aroused, people generally need the mental stimulation of a partner they love or find attractive, combined with appropriate physical stimulation. The need for direct physical stimulation increases with age.

In order for stimulation to be arousing, it is necessary for a person to be able to pay attention to it. If someone is distracted by thoughts of possible failure or a lack of self-confidence or has concerns about how the partner is reacting, this will distract from the arousing sexual activity.

How can people identify whether their sexual activities or attitudes about sex might be unhealthy?

Unhealthy sexual behaviors generally involve recurrent intense fantasies, urges, or behaviors involving nonhuman objects, children or nonconsenting partners, or lead to suffering or humiliation. Some people can't become aroused unless they imagine or act out such fantasies. In these situations, consulting a health care professional is strongly advised.

Infidelity also may lead to very difficult psychological stresses and, often, a shattering of valued relationships. And sexual activities that result in a sexually transmitted disease have a direct impact on physical health.

When should people seek help for a sex-related problem?

A couple should consider seeking help if they're experiencing repeated failures in sexual performance or when there's strong disagreement about sexual practices that they can't resolve. Performance problems include difficulty getting an erection, lack of sexual desire, difficulty reaching orgasm, premature ejaculation or a lack of satisfaction from sexual activity. Since medical problems can cause sexual dysfunction, the family physician is a good starting point for discussion of these problems. A therapist might be needed to explore marital and psychological issues that could be contributing to the problem.
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posted by Donovan at 11:30 AM Dating Advice for Men

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You Might Be Too Perfect

10.03.2006

posted by Donovan at 12:58 PM

Brent (from the Double Your Dating Meeting Women Online program) has a company called Absolute Power Dating and hits on some misunderstood points in this email.

You're a good looking guy, have great hair, hip clothes, flashy car, you're successful in business and you know all the right people; you even have no noticeable, nervous twitching.

Let's say that none of this is over the top and you're not using all these things as crutches. Basically, you think you have your act together.

So why do you still have problems attracting women, holding the attraction and getting them not to flake? Even after they've shown initial interest by approaching you, telling you they're interested and getting together with you for mind-blowing physical activity? I bet you never thought that you might have it TOO together for
them.

Here's what I mean:

You might be too perfect. Women want to nurture and fix you. When they're with you they try to imagine where they would fit into your life and what they would help you with. You've provided them with nothing to fix...you're ALREADY fixed. You might also be doing something relationship oriented that's giving them the 'go signal' to
have those thoughts in the first place. Women rarely do that with me. They know the deal and don't consider any other possibilities.

Here are a couple of other reasons directly from women:

* "You are a good looking guy, its because we're afraid we'll get hurt, its a defense mechanism we have because we have been burned so many times."

* "I really like you and I like being around you, but I am moving so I am trying my best NOT to see you, I am sorry I am just scared."

Believe it!

This is not a lack of attraction but you might be scaring them; they're actually intimidated by you. All this time you actually had higher status.

The good news is that you're much more powerful and attractive than you originally thought. It makes total sense that they would fear you. Remember, the hotter they are, the lower their self-esteem and the average looking men they date cheat on them less (they think). Whereas with you, they assume that every woman feels as THEY do
around you so you must get physical with all of them and they're threatened by this.

Now, I'm not saying that you should do anything different, just be aware of it!

Brent
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posted by Donovan at 12:58 PM Dating Advice for Men

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Warm Read, Cold Reads, and Creating Instant Connections

10.02.2006

posted by Sean Messenger at 1:24 PM

There's a lot of stuff out there on "cold-reading" people, like using the most-common psychic reads to tell someone things about themselves they didn't think you knew.

And those are great for carny tricks. Yes, you're psychic, and wow, aren't I amazed. Do it again!

It's like making balloon animals.

And you don't want to make balloon animals for the girls you want to fuck, do you? No, you want a real connection, real intimacy, a real trust that leads to really great sex. The realer it is, the hotter it is, so why waste time playing around.

But how do you create a real connection? The trick is not to just figure her out cold and then diagnose... that makes her separate from you, not connected.

The trick is to have yourself figured out first, and then sniff out the things that you see in her that are the same. That connects you. That's the stuff that great love stories are made of. The stories she keeps secret in her heart forever, because it doesn't happen very often.

You see something special in her, because you see it in yourself, and that is why you are meant to be.

Sounds weird, right? Well, let's get into how to do it.

Here's the best way to do it.

Not the easiest, not the trickiest, but best. It takes work, commitment and practice, but once you start doing it, you will see yourself change fundamentally, and see your world open up.

It's not warm reading or cold reading. It's RELATING to someone else by seeing something kind of hidden in them that you kind of hide in yourself. And it comes from listening carefully to all the signals you get, and then taking a crazy chance.

Lance calls it the "Hail Mary."

Here's how you start. At any point in conversation with a woman, just stop, look at her, and say "it's weird, but you really seem to be X, but I have this sense you are actually Y. I'm the same way."

Then you fill in the blanks with whatever sense you get from her that truly reminds you of yourself. It can be anything. Just start listening to your instincts, and stop looking for shortcuts and tricks. The thing with the shortcuts is they won't tell you anything real about her, and she won't know anything about you. However, you can have just ONE strong thing about yourself that you try on everyone.

Some guys use "you like a creative person, but not in a creative job."

Some guys use "you seem like a party person, but really have a quiet side."

I like "everyone thinks you have it all figured out and under control, but really you're still wandering a little bit, and excited about not having the answers yet."

And they all work great, because they all are strong identities for US.

That may be the key. We use this exercise extensively in Art of Rapport, and it produces amazing insights. You really just need to focus in on what you feel most true for yourself, and then pronounce it for her. You're telling her why it was really fate that brought you two together.

If you don't have something deep and a little secret in common, than you can't really believe this was meant to be. It still may be, but it's just for fun. But when you can both see a little into each others' secret worlds, only a passionate relationship makes sense.

And that's what you really want.

- Sean

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posted by Sean Messenger at 1:24 PM Dating Advice for Men

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks Sean. It's nice to finally to hear someone in the community actually talking about how to connect with a woman on a genuine emotional level through shared experiences-NOT on a superficial level as a means to manipulate and have meaningless sex.

-zman

3:32 PM, October 02, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is just repackaging of value elicitation from Speed Seduction. The lines you quoted have also been used by Mystery and TD. TD has also written extensively about doing cold reads properly to create connections.

Your stuff is just stolen and rehashed from the work of others.

7:35 AM, October 03, 2006  

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