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Reader Question with Answer: Approach Anxiety, and One Night Stands

5.18.2006

posted by Donovan at 2:39 PM

Some guys have all the luck? It's not always what it seems...

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I'm fairly new to pick up and am far from good at it. I went out to a club recently and ended up hooking up with someone that night. She was a very cute Spanish girl that is much more attractive than I normally pick up, but I know not to judge success only on results. I can tell you that I did not resemble a pickup artist that night and she more or less fell into my lap. I attribute this to meeting her right before the club closed so she was already drunk.

She actually approached me saying, "I think I know you from my school..." She goes to college at my school's arch rival so I teased her about that and I think I did a good job keeping her interested in me because we hooked up that night, but if she didn't approach me it wouldn't have happened and I am working on my
approaches. That's another issue. I have her number but no email. I would like to hook up with her whenever I go up there or when she comes down to my school to visit friends. What is the best way to make that situation happen?

Congratulations on the successful lay. I can feel from your email that you aren't overly impressed with it however. Hey, at least you still got laid without paying right?

Ok before I address the situation with the girl. First off you see a problem, and you want to fix it. Approaching doesn't get easier, until you start approaching. So get out in the field and do it! Write up a few routines that you can use consistently and practice. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Check out the definitive guide to approaching beautiful women, which is the Art of Approaching, and make up some original routines that fit your personality perfectly.

Ok, now onto the main question:

I think you might be barking up the wrong tree trying to arrange plans with this girl again. Mostly because you rushed into the sexual relationship without building enough of a connection. Perhaps it was love at first sight, or maybe she'll do it at another club the next week? I'm not sure. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior...

What usually happens is if your sexual relationship begins before the absolute MINIMUM 4 hours (recommended 7 hours) you get what is called FOOL'S MATE.

You got lucky, basically. She wouldn't consider you as a permanent thing to come back to unfortunately. The key is rapport and comfort after you generated the attraction before a sexual relationship.

From the Magic Bullets ebook
If you go to far (into seduction) before you have enough comfort, you'll
feel like a great player at the time but you won't get laid when (a) you fool's
mate backfires and (b) you get buyers' remorse the next day.

It's the same situation when you don't give build enough rapport and comfort to battle flakes in my previous Reader Question with Answer. Similarly, if you do the same thing and get laid, it will result in flakiness with her not wanting to associate her feelings on the day (when you call) with the feelings of the night before.

Something that you want, is to attract and KEEP the girls you interact with. Therefore, you'll have choice. The choice I think most of us started in this game for. So don't rush in. Control yourself. What's better? One night of sex, or endless nights of sex?

With saying all that, maybe this beautiful Latina will be the 2% of all women that will want to meet up again and pursue you into having you around for sex. Try setting something up, but I personally wouldn't count on much. Work on improving your overall game so that you can get consistent day2's from meeting in clubs.

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posted by Donovan at 2:39 PM Dating Advice for Men

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Reader Question with Answer: How To Prevent Those Frustrating Flakes

5.17.2006

posted by Donovan at 8:25 AM

Prevention is better than a cure right? Read on...

Question and Answer Hey there!

I have a buddy (no really) who can number close but then has trouble organising a second meeting with the girl. For example, he number closed this one girl who worked at a cafe, waited a couple of days, called her up, got her laughing on the phone, etc. but didn't arrange a meeting, called her up a second time at which point she said she was busy and asked him to call at 9pm the next day, so he did but she didn't answer.

He goes over to the cafe where he first met her to speak to a friend of his who was working there, bumped into her, struck up another conversation, got her laughing, etc. again, and then was on his way out when she said 'hey we were supposed to go out', so he asks if she is free on a couple of days and she says no (you know, Question and Answerone of those 'you free on X day' 'no', 'you free on Y day''no'), so he says 'I'll tell you what, when you're free you call me' she says OK. Anyhoo, she doesn't call for a few days, so he sends her a text, and she doesn't reply. Advice?


Such a common common problem that we've all dealt with at some point throughout this journey of pickup. Glad to know it's your "buddy" and that you'd never have any such problem.

You may have heard about David DeAngelo's 3-minute email and phone number technique. It's a great tool for guys new to pickup to practice. It will give you a huge boost of confidence, especially if you haven't gotten many numbers from beautiful women in the past, and it's remarkably easy (after the first time). The main issue I have with the 3-minute phone number technique that David DeAngelo promotes, is that it doesn't build enough rapport and comfort, and those numbers flake out 98% (unless you're a male model).

Comfort and rapport are both heavily ESSENTIAL for a non-flaking day2. (Day 2 is simply a term for another meetup after the initial meeting, usually isolated with the woman)

From Magic Bullets ebook

This is exactly why so many phone numbers are flakes - not enough comfort. Thus, it's important to have fun, natural conversations with girls, using wide rapport and multiple conversational threads. When she looks back on that conversation, she should be thinking about how she enjoys talking with you and looks forward to doing so again.

The reason for flakes is that she doesn't feel any distinct difference between other men and you. I mean seriously, you asked for her number, and you expect a beautiful woman to simply say "That guy had the BALLS to get my number, I'll give up my valuable time!"

You need to change that into, "I felt we had a good connection, he didn't pressure me or make me feel awkward. I think I'll give him a chance, and I'll see where this goes!"

I started running my game recently to include a deeper level of rapport, and compatibility after I ran my attraction routines. Women RETURN calls, they RETURN text messages, they RETURN to have dates with you.

How do you generate this strong rapport and comfort?

You can try some quick cold reading, grounding routines, even palm reading or handwriting analysis. Something in order for her to feel that you have built rapport and comfort. Although, if you build rapport and comfort right off the bat, it will only hurt you. You could be placed into the friendship hole. You defintely don't want that.

Generate attraction first, then comfort. If you haven't read the Magic Bullets ebook (Mystery Method), I urge you to do so immediately. It outlines the step-by-step method for seduction from meeting through to an intimate relationship. I've previously posted an entire outline to the Mystery Method here.

If you want answers to your questions, simply email me, attractionchronicles @ gmail.com

Donovan

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posted by Donovan at 8:25 AM Dating Advice for Men

3 Comments:

Anonymous Automatic said...

This is an issue I've had to deal with quite often. Over time, I came to develop a certain perspective on it.

I started out with David DeAngelo's stuff and what I believe now is that the main reason why the 3-minute Email technique is so appealing is because most newbies to the game are not good conversationalists yet. Furthermore, you're preoccupied with objectives (getting the contact info, setting up a meeting, etc.) when first learning pickup. It is usually because of a new guys' social inexperience that he can't relax enough and detach himself from the outcome of the interaction in order to have fun while building a connection with a woman.

The 3-minute technique is quick. It's easy. Most importantly, it seems LESS RISKY to new guys...who still fear rejection at their stage of development.

My problem with comfort/rapport was the language that concept is described in, which made me feel like I had to spare more time than I could to make it happen. Yet the 3-minute technique was too short for any real connection to be made.

So I simplified the whole mess.

I stopped thinking about this in terms of comfort or rapport and assumed the mindset of just making sure any few minutes I had with a woman would be some of the most MEMORABLE few minutes of interaction she'll ever have. Then I casually ask if she has Email and hand her a pen with paper, David DeAngelo style (by the way, this is what I think the real strength of the 3-minute technique SHOULD BE...the way you request her contact info being very direct, simple, unassuming, pressure-free, and it doesn't make your interest in her too overt).

Obviously, generating attraction quickly should be second-nature by this point because creating a "memorable few minutes" requires you to squeeze in that chemistry along with comfort and rapport within only minutes.

It's a difficult idea to implement at first, but I'm successful with it. Women always remember the first encounters they have with me...even if an interaction was merely 5 minutes.

A good metaphor for what I'm talking about is in The Karate Kid when Mr. Miyagi is teaching Daniel the secret to powerful punches:

"The secret to punch...is make power of WHOLE BODY fit in ONE INCH."

10:50 PM, May 17, 2006  
Blogger Pastiche said...

awesome automatic! i like your "memorable few minutes" concept. it gives greater meaning to the attract + rapport process and simplifies it at the same time. and well, i'm a HUGE advocate of the K.I.S.S. rule. anyway, thanks for sharing bro.

-p-

10:56 PM, May 23, 2006  
Blogger Donovan said...

Those are some awesome points!

10:59 PM, May 23, 2006  

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Mystery Gets LMR'd (Video)

posted by Donovan at 6:57 AM

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posted by Donovan at 6:57 AM Dating Advice for Men

1 Comments:

Blogger cadmus said...

haha great clip. where was it from?

its actually borderline motivational

10:53 AM, June 09, 2006  

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What To Do When A Woman Flakes Out

5.14.2006

posted by Donovan at 1:55 PM

Woman Flake Date
Do Women Flake On You?


***QUESTION FROM A READER***


I will try to keep this short, but if you don't read it all, just refer to the question at the bottom regarding the question.

Okay, I have read through all of your newsletters ever since I signed up for the service & purchased your E-Books.

On a Tuesday I am out with a friend & we bump into his ex & her roommate. Both girls are 9's (pushing 10's). I immediately go to work! She's wearing a turtle neck sweater (I see a weak spot) so I start calling her "Tippy the Turtle" all night. She acts all defensive about it, but keeps laughing & asking me WHY, WHY, WHY do you keep calling me that?...So I just keep pouring it on. I bust on her humorously every chance I get. Within 2 hours, she's leaning on me, squeezing me & following me around the club like a puppy..... SO, we go to another club & I go to the bar to get a drink and the waitress at the bar (whom I know from being there in the past) asks me why I have never asked HER to go out & do anything (LIGHT BULB GOES ON).

So I tell her it's "because I don't have a way to get a hold of her". So she pulls out a dollar bill from her money holder & writes her number down and gives it to me (this girl is a solid 10 by the way... and trust me, IM PICKY!). Needless to say, IM STOKED! So I tease her a little about her name (because her name is B... a guys name), take the number & go back to my friend & the girls..... Everything is great RIGHT????

Now the problem & the question:

I ask a friend of mine about her (the waitress). He works at the same night club she does. He said that she was "all about money". He also told me that she just quit her job that weekend & didn't work there anymore...

So I called her on the following Sunday (gave it about 5 days). I decided to check this "money thing" out in a humorous way. When she finally realized who I was (which kinda pissed me off that I had to explain to her who I was on the phone...I went as far as suggesting that I hang up & call back & try this again) I told her that I heard she quit her job & then asked her "How are you going to take me to lunch & pay my way if you don't have a job"? I thought it was funny & was awaiting a laugh, but she responded with "why do you have to start the conversation off like that? I had to support my last 2 boyfriends, so don't go there". Needless to say Im shocked & respond with "Its becoming a habit huh?"...and then heard silence & broke the silence with "Im just giving you sh**!" (I know, I know....a WUSS moment)

SO, I set a simple meeting with her (for some lunch before I had to go to work) for that same Thursday (today actually...4 days later). She said the date & time were cool so I closed the deal (kept the phone call at about 3-4 minutes). Before I hung up she said "why don't you call me between now & then so we can talk". Well Im picking up on that one right away, so I respond with. What would be the point in that? We are getting together Thursday to talk". And we said our goodbyes & that was it....

NOW I get a phone call 3 hours before we have to meet & she tells me some BS story about her brother coming in town & she can't meet me for lunch. Well Im not stupid, and I just had another girl cancel in a similar fashion on me last night. DUHH!!!... So my question is this:

QUESTION: If a girl cancels on you, how should you really handle it? Especially if you know her excuse is bull sh**?!?! (I can pick liars out a mile away... its a gift!). I realize she maybe testing me, but when a girl expresses interest in YOU & makes it a point to make sure that YOU leave WITH HER PHONE NUMBER, how should you handle it when they cancel last minute with a lame ass excuse? My feelings are to talk to them in a manor making them feel as stupid as they think YOU are.

For Example:

When she tells me her brother is going to be in town & she had to cancel THREE HOURS before we meet, I felt like saying "Well I gave you 4 days notice to meet me for ONE hour. Your brother hasn't seen you in six months & you didn't know this when we talked the first time??"

I was just real quiet & said nothing when she fed me this "Line" & responded with "ok, whatever... maybe some other time...you have my number" & that was the end of the conversation, I hung up.

Are they testing to see if you WILL be an a**hole (DO THEY WANT YOU TO?), or are they testing to see if you will be sympathetic (WHICH WOULD BE BAD)..... Personally, I want to be an asshole because I get kind of upset with flakey people in general...

Also, do you think I should ever call & set a date up again with a woman like this, or did I already blow it?

My novel......

C. (Kansas)

****DAVID DEANGELO'S COMMENTS****

OK, first things first.

You really have the right idea here. Your thinking is right on, and your use of the Cocky & Funny attitude is great!

And I'm guessing that the REASON why the cute waitress started asking why you never ask her out is BECAUSE you showed up with a hot girl that was chasing you around.

It certainly helps the stock value when you're seen around with a hottie.

I'd love to talk more about all the RIGHT things you did, but, alas, I'm going to focus this newsletter on the WRONG things you did.

Now, please don't take any of what I'm about to tell you PERSONALLY, because it's all in good fun.

But pay attention, because by making fun of you in a public newsletter (that many thousands of guys read) only hurts a little (but remember the joy I'm getting from it, and maybe you'll feel better).

MISTAKE #1: LISTENING TO YOUR FRIEND

Dude, what are you thinking?

When your friend who worked with her told you that she was "all about money", it probably meant:

- He was in love with her.

- She wasn't interested in him.

- He tried to buy her dinner and gifts, but she only wanted to be friends.

- He hated the idea that you were going to date her.

- He wanted to put you off the trail.

Think about it.


MISTAKE #2: WAITING 5 DAYS TO CALL HER.

Now, of course you don't want to call a woman ten seconds after you meet her and say, "Hi, I'm the needy dork you just gave your number to...".

But think about it...

This girl works in a BAR. She meets about a million guys every night.

She probably gives her number to more guys every week than you have FRIENDS.

I would have called her the next evening... two days later at the most.

This way she'll at least REMEMBER you.

And I would have said "You know, I've never had a woman PAY ME to call her. But this dollar is only going to buy you about 15 seconds. You can ask me what I'm wearing or something, and then you'll have to give me a Visa card to continue the call..."


MISTAKE #3: DISCUSSING THE "MONEY THING" ON THE PHONE

What are you thinking... bringing up something like this by telling her that you heard she quit her job?

Something like this at the beginning of a first call CAN'T go anywhere but a BAD place.

I can see what you were trying to do, but you were on a slippery slope, and you were only irritating her.

Save the ball busting for when you're alone with her in person.

This is where you REALLY screwed up, man.

At this point she was probably thinking "What the hell is this guy talking about?" because it was a sensitive subject for her, and you didn't have enough of a connection with her to be talking to her about this topic. Too early.

I'm going to say that you basically SET HER UP to flake on you.

Shortly after that, she gave you the NEON SIGN of "why don't you call me between now and then so we can talk".

TRANSLATION: "I'm going to flake on you for SURE, but I just don't want the confrontation right now, so I'll put doubt in your mind".

MISTAKE #4: LETTING HER THINK THAT FLAKING WAS OK

When you just let the "call me between now and then" comment go by and hung up, you made a big mistake.

Right then and there you should have STOPPED the conversation and said something to the effect of:

"Whoa. I'll tell you what, I have a pet peeve, and I HATE it when people flake out on me. So, if you're gonna flake, just tell me now. I'm only going to make plans if you're CERTAIN that you're going to be there."

Now, a lot of times when you say something like this, you'll scare a woman off. But it's worth it.

The last thing you need in your life is a flaky woman.

Better to get it handled early on.

But, if she's NOT a flaky woman... but only trying to figure out how to flake on YOU because you acted like a DUMB ASS, then this might change things.

When a woman sees you standing up for yourself, and basically saying "Look, if you're going to flake out or be late, then I don't want to meet you", it shows her beyond the shadow of a doubt that YOUR TIME is more important to you than HER. This is a good thing.

This kind of comment will often result in a woman saying "No, no... I'll be there. I'll be there."

MISTAKE #5: LETTING HER FLAKE ON YOU

If a woman called me three hours before we were supposed to meet and said, "Oh, my long lost brother is coming to town..." I would say:

"Well thanks for the three hours notice. What are you going to do to make this up to me?"

NOW IS THE TIME TO BUST BALLS!

Of course, you don't want to do it in an emotional, hurtful way... or in a way that lets her know that you have been upset by her.

I'll mention one thing here... I have a friend who has gotten tired of women flaking out on him. So he now calls THEM on the day he's supposed to meet them for the first date, and FLAKES ON THEM.

He tells me that this works like a charm, and they always show up for the next planned meeting. Go figure.

Now, I personally don't like the idea of lying to or deceiving women, but it's an interesting lesson. In the final analysis, I'd say that you screwed up in the beginning, and created your own problems.

Instead of saying, "I heard you quit your job" (which makes you sound like an amateur stalker), you should have just said a few charming things, set up a meeting with her, and gotten off the phone.

That probably would have prevented your problems.

Which leads me to another idea...

EVERY STEP with a woman will go MUCH SMOOTHER if you set it up well beforehand.

My experience is that most guys CREATE THEIR OWN PROBLEMS with women, then come to me to solve them.

Isn't it a much better idea to not run into these problems in the first place?

I mean, you'll never reach a point where you never have any problems with women, but you sure can prevent and eliminate about 80% of them by just knowing what to do to set up each step with women, and how to respond to certain situations.

Where's the best place to learn how to do just that?

In my eBook "Double Your Dating", then you need to do that NOW. It's my original manual for success with women and dating, and it's the place to get started if you want to take your success with women to the next level. You can download it here.

I'll talk to you again soon!

Your Friend,

David D.
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posted by Donovan at 1:55 PM Dating Advice for Men

5 Comments:

Anonymous Mr Don Juan said...

Flaking on dates is most likely caused by a lack of rapport built up during the approach! Good points!

3:31 PM, May 15, 2006  
Blogger playboy928 said...

i have a question to ask on this link.. i was wondering how i would go about doing that.. can anyone help me?

12:55 PM, May 19, 2006  
Blogger Donovan said...

try posting the question, or emailing it to me.

12:58 PM, May 19, 2006  
Blogger playboy928 said...

ever since the spring semester of college i've been trying to get with this girl.. and i felt like every day i was getting closer and closer..i used basic negs and played hard to get.. acted confident... pretty much did everything that i had to do.. finally last week me and her were alone in the room and we started making out.. however a week later she tells me.. sumthin along the lines of "idk what happend last week.. this i really not like me.. we should prbly never do that again".. this girl comes from a very conservative family and she's been raised in the church all her life... now on one hand.. she did make out with me tht means she is sumwat interested in me.. however on the other hand she said.. she doesnt know what happened and we should never do it again.. i was wondering.. if i still had a chance of making out with this girl again .. or not.. and i was also wondering if any of you guys have ever run into similar situations.. and wat did u guys do... i luved getting with this girl.. and i wouuld like to do it again.. i was just wondering if i had a chance with her.. and if i do what should i be doing?

also... im indian and ofcourse i run into a lot of girls who r indian and come from very conservative families.. i was wondering wat the best way to attract them.. would be... how do i steal a kiss without making the uuncomfortable?

12:04 AM, May 20, 2006  
Blogger Panache said...

I think the main thing to work on with this girl is to make her objections your objections. For example, when she says that you should never do that again agree with her, "Yeah, this is wrong. We should just be friends". Now she's feeling all those feelings of rejection you've had and will want to rectify them. Even better, if you're expecting these girls to be conservative is to beat them to it, "I'm not sure where you think this is going but we should just be friends", or the classic Mystery line "I can't promise anything more than great conversation". Of course when doing this you need to make sure you don't blow her out. Keep the flirting, banter, C&F going with this to ensure she doesn't take your LJBF 100%.

2:05 PM, July 27, 2006  

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