10.27.2006posted by Donovan at 7:19 PM
I've read your newsletter for a few months now and just recently got your book which is fantastic. First off a little background here. I was married for 11 years (I'm 33) and basically was either dating or married to same person for 13 years. I have been divorced now for a few months, and was actually separated for over a year before I got divorced. Having been out of the dating scene for so long I was pretty much clueless (a lot has changed). I've always been a very funny guy and cocky to an extent, but in many ways what you would consider a "wuss". I've always considered myself a nice guy, considerate, caring, etc. You know, how mother taught you to be. I've realized that those qualities are great of course, but don't help a lot in the dating scene. Once I started more of the cocky routine, it's been amazing. Like I said, I've always been funny so I guess I have a head start already.
Anyway, I've had some really "hot" dates in the past couple months with the help of your book, but one of the biggest problems I have in getting dates is the fact I have been divorced and have 4 kids. I don't consider this a problem whatsoever, they're a huge part of my life, but I know the way women think sometimes and view this as "baggage". Is there any advice you could give me on how I can incorporate some of your philosophies and techniques into over coming this persona of "baggage" and help me attract more women?
On a side note. This is a strange success story here (if you can consider it that haha). Like I said before I was married, and she is a really beautiful woman. Just for the hell of it I decided to start using the c&f routine on her every chance I could (we still get along pretty good as "friends", btw). I thought it would be good "practice". Anyway, last weekend I was over dropping off my kids, and she says "JC". I said, "what?". I walk over to her bedroom (where she was at) and she says out of the blue "get on the bed now!" She was kidding and it threw me for a loop, but I just said "in your dreams!" Shocked she said, "WHAT?" I replied with, "maybe in our next lifetime". I then proceeded to end the conversation and leave quickly after that (had a date haha). Two nights ago she calls me at home, and basically asked me out. I said what the hell! So, we went out last night (kids were at her sisters), and let's just say that after 3 years of not having sex with her, I forgot what I was missing!! So there's one for you, "how to get your ex wife in bed with you again!!" LMAO In case you're wondering, no way no how, will I ever go back to that relationship (but sex on the other hand...hell yes!). There's a different kind of "success" story for you!
In your email you point out something very, very, VERY interesting. You say:
"I've always considered myself a nice guy, considerate, caring, etc. You know, how mother taught you to be. I've realized that those qualities are great of course, but don't help a lot in the dating scene."
It is SO important that guys understand the distinction between "dating scene" and "long-term relationship scene" when it comes to women and interacting with them.
Many of the things that make a long-term relationship great will KILL your chances
INSTANTLY with a woman that you don't know. I'll talk about this more in a moment.
I think that as guys, most of us want to do the right thing, treat others well, and live with integrity.
There are of course exceptions to this rule, but I think that most of us know at a very deep level that treating others well, being honest, having integrity, and living an authentic life leads to happiness... while being dishonest, treating others poorly, putting our integrity aside for selfish reasons, etc. leads to that constant, negative, dragging state of body and mind.
The problem arises when we go out into the world to find a mate. It matters not whether we're looking for a wife or a one-night stand...
As soon as we see a really attractive woman, most of us guys become nervous, self conscious, and insecure. We feel excitement and fear at the same time. The first impulse is to approach and give compliments in a way that says "You are a beautiful goddess, and I am a mere mortal man... Please, if you would, see your way clear to give me a chance to show you how much I adore you."
If the goddess indulges us for a moment, the next impulse is usually to provide gifts and food, and to show her what a great provider we are.
Of course, not every man experiences things in exactly the same way, but you can probably empathize with what I'm saying.
Here's the deal:
I USED TO BE EXACTLY LIKE THIS. I know EXACTLY what it's like to want a woman's attention but not know how to get it... so I'd give compliments, offer gifts and food, and try every other "nice" trick in the book.
I did this for a long time. Many years, in fact.
I used this strategy long enough to realize a few key things:
1) Approaching women this way doesn't usually work. They immediately sense your insecurity, and mentally classify you as "average" and "like the other 10 guys that approached her today", etc.
2) ATTRACTION is a completely illogical process. ATTRACTION also isn't a choice. ATTRACTION is a response to certain things... and it happens on it's own.
3) Being a good guy is an important part of life. Treating others well and always doing the right thing leads to things like: A) Liking yourself, B)Happiness, C) Good friendships, etc.
4) Being a "nice guy" when it comes to women and dating, especially when it is used enough to make you qualify as a WUSSY, is a REALLY REALLY BAD idea.
5) There are certain techniques that can be learned which will help you get past the initial meeting and dating period... and help you not only stand out as a "not average" guy, but also create the magical emotion of ATTRACTION inside women.
6) The great news is that you don't have to be ultra handsome, rich, or famous to do it.
The gist of what I'm saying is that if you know how to create this ATTRACTION inside of women, then you can overcome just about any "social stigma" that might be attached to you (yes, even 4 kids!).
Some people get upset when they read about my techniques... they don't like the idea of making fun of a woman, busting her balls, being Cocky and Funny, etc.
They just want to "be themselves" and have a woman "like them for who they are".
Most of the time, it's because they don't really GET that the woman should be having FUN when you do these things... and if you want to learn how to bust on women and be Cocky & Funny WITHOUT upsetting women.
Where was I... Oh yes...
Of course, these same guys ALMOST ALWAYS like to buy women flowers and dinner, give compliments, accept manipulative behavior... and generally do ALL KINDS OF THINGS that I consider "very manipulative" and "not-at-all-being-yourself" kinds of behavior.
The point is that when you made the comment about the qualities that make up "nice guy" don't really help you out when it comes to women and dating, you REALLY hit the nail on the head.
It's not that you have to be an abusive-loser-jerk, but you must realize that there are certain qualities that aren't what one might consider "nice-guyish" that PUSH THE ATTRACTION BUTTONS inside of women.
These are the things like being Cocky and Funny, teasing women, busting on them, and generally being a challenge.
If you decide that a woman you've met is "long term" relationship material, then you can start doing the things that you'd do with someone who has earned your respect and trust. It's at this point that doing "nice guy" things makes more sense.
BUT WATCH OUT! Don't unexpectedly turn in to Mr. Wussy just because a woman wants to have a relationship with you. Nothing can make a woman want to be "just friends" faster...
No matter what you do, you still must maintain a balance.
So to answer your question about how to overcome the objection to four kids...
First, realize that the women you're meeting fall into roughly a few categories:
1) Those that aren't interested at all, no matter what. Maybe they're gay, happily married, not interested... or all of the above.
2) Those that are interested in being with you for some short term fun, but aren't interested in a relationship at all.
3) Those that are interested in short term fun while they're single, but would like to pursue a relationship if they meet a good match. Here we have two sub- categories: A) Those that object to the four kids thing, and B) Those that don't.
4) Those that are only interested in a long-term relationship. We also have the sub-categories here... Those that object to the kids, and those that don't.
My first question to YOU is: "Which type of woman are YOU looking for?"
Sounds to me like you're looking for a #3, option B... a woman who's interested in some short-term fun, who would like to pursue a long- term relationship if she meets a good match... and is open to the kids. (If you're only looking for a woman who's after short term fun, then the kids don't really matter. Just don't bring them up.)
My perspective: Date some women, and BLOW THEIR MINDS with the techniques you've learned. Use the Cocky and Funny material... dial up the ATTRACTION... if you get physical with them, make it UNFORGETTABLE.
My experience is that if a person is REALLY ATTRACTED to another person, they'll put aside all obstacles in order to be with the object of their desires.
Yes, this means 4 kids and an ex.
If I were you, I'd project the attitude that you're not interested in any woman that can't adapt to the situation. Communicate that YOU'RE the one doing the selecting, and it will cancel out a woman's objections before they even arise. Think about it.
I personally know guys that have gotten past "obstacles" that almost seem IMPOSSIBLE to overcome...
Raise YOUR OWN standards, and you'll find that this has a magical effect on the way women treat you.
If you're reading this right now, and you're in a situation in life where you'd like to get back on track and start having more success with women and dating, then it's time for you to take action.
Just sitting around HOPING that something will happen or that you'll "get lucky" isn't going to do it.
If you just WAIT for something to happen, there's a VERY LIKELY chance that you'll either wind up ALONE for a VERY long time... or you'll wind up with a woman that you don't really enjoy that much.
It's up to you to actually take responsibility for this area of your life... and to go get yourself an education on how to be successful with women and dating.
The best place to do it?
Check out my best-selling, Double Your Dating ebook. It gives you the basics of attraction and dating. Are you letting time slip away? Act now, and download it here.
posted by Donovan at 7:19 PM Dating Advice for Men