3.06.2006posted by Donovan at 7:20 AM
I'd like to address a problem that is so common that it seems silly to even mention it...
It's the idea that too often we use our powerful minds and emotions to cause ourselves to FAIL with women rather than SUCCEED with women.
Fear of women can actually become a HABIT that leads to failure.
Let me ask you a question:
Have you ever been in a situation where you saw a woman that you wanted to meet, but you didn't go over and talk to her?
Duh. Of course... we all have.
This is UNIVERSAL. We've all been there so many times that the question doesn't even need to be asked.
But, the question I want to answer is "Why?"
Why is it that when we see a woman that we'd like to meet, we don't just walk over and start talking to her?
What is it that we're doing inside of our heads that is preventing us from just DOING IT?
Why do we prevent ourselves from being successful, when it would be SOOOO EASY?
And, an even MORE interesting question is:
How do we overcome this self- defeating pattern of thought and action?
I have one friend who I've seen get 25 phone numbers over the course of a weekend (I saw him get every one of them)... and all of them were from women that he had met on the spot.
Most of them took less than 5 minutes to get.
Now, I have many OTHER friends that can't even ask a woman for her number after they've talked to her a HUNDRED TIMES... and they KNOW she's single.
By the way, I have a LOT more of this type of friend...
So, what the hell is going on here?
Well, like most answers to questions like this one, the explanation and solution is both very simple and VERY complex.
The short answer is that most of us guys let our initial EMOTIONAL REACTIONS and our IMAGINATIONS keep us from taking action.
In other words, we see a woman we'd like to meet, we become nervous (for reasons we can't explain logically), we feel FEAR, we make all kinds of negative MENTAL IMAGES, and we finally just decide that it isn't worth it... so we just walk away.
But, isn't this CRAZY behavior?
I mean, it doesn't make any sense at all when you REALLY reflect and think about it, right?
Doesn't it make sense that we should just REALIZE that nothing bad is going to happen, and instantly change how we behave towards women?
Now that we KNOW what we do, shouldn't we be able to just walk out the door and start meeting women RIGHT NOW?
Well, yes... we SHOULD be able to do that.
But like I mentioned, there's an aspect of this problem that is very COMPLEX... and therefore not as easy to change quickly.
As any dog trainer will tell you, a bad HABIT isn't always easy to change. If you've been doing this for awhile, then it might take more than just some positive thinking to get this handled.
I read awhile back a fascinating book called "Mean Genes" that was written by a couple of evolution specialists (Terry Burnham and Jay Phelan).
Inside this book, these guys point out that humans are HORRIBLE at assessing risk and return, and that they often make horrible decisions for
But here's the kicker: We all make the SAME risk/return mistakes in the SAME situations... and this is most likely a GENETIC pre-disposition!
In other words, WE'RE BORN WITH IT.
So, you might see a woman that you'd like to talk to, then use your imagination to create some painfully scary ideas about how you might get rejected (which wouldn't happen in a million years), and then you feel a wave of fear and nervousness wash over your entire body... and you decide it's just not worth it, so you walk away.
This is that "automatic bad risk/return system" in action.
And often, these poor decisions cause us to say to ourselves, "Damn it. Why do I keep doing that? I'm a such a loser..." and we beat ourselves up even MORE over it.
As you know, these can become self-fulfilling prophesies and just make themselves BIGGER over time.
So, what's the answer?
Well, first you have to BREAK THE HABIT of making yourself feel BAD and AFRAID, and LEARN the habit of making yourself feel GOOD and OPTIMISTIC.
Remember, you've been doing things the way you do them for a long time now, so it might take some PRACTICE to be able to do this in the moment every time you need to...
Here are some action steps:
1) Take some time to vividly imagine the BEST possible outcome of walking up and talking to a woman that you find attractive. Every time you see a woman that you'd like to meet, just do this. Try it for a few days. Then realize that this BEST
outcome is far more likely than your WORST idea of what could happen. Read that again. Your BEST outcome IS FAR MORE LIKELY than your worst.
2) Make a "realistic" list of the worst things that could happen, then decide exactly what you'd do if any of them actually did happen. You'll realize that you can deal with them and live through it.
3) Realize that NOT taking the risk to meet a woman is actually a BIGGER risk in the LONG RUN of your overall life. If you risk NOT meeting her, you'll never know what might have happened, and if you let it become a habit, it will keep you from realizing ALL your dreams in life.
Think about it... in any given situation, YOU have the opportunity to make a "free bet": Your bet is you walking over and starting a conversation.
Possible loss: Getting turned down.
Possible gain: Use that creative imagination.
You do the math.
This is like going to Las Vegas and having a casino say to you, "OK, you can bet all day long as much as you want. If you win, you keep all the money. If you lose, you lose nothing."
Are you with me?
Use this concept to go out and overcome your habit of not talking to women. Do it now.
You can learn other techniques for improving your inner game, and controlling those negative thoughts in my famous 250+ page e-book "Double Your Dating" that will give you the confidence to approach any woman without fear of rejection.
posted by Donovan at 7:20 AM Dating Advice for Men