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The Sincere Compliment - Direct At Its Easiest

9.01.2006

posted by Sean Messenger at 12:21 AM

Hey guys! We've been so busy running killer workshops at PickUp 101 in SF and NYC that I almost forgot to share the love here on The Attraction Chronicles.

But just in time for the long holiday weekend here in the U.S., here's an article that gives you all the tools you need to talk to any cute girl you see, and make a great, powerful, sexy first impression.

And you know that attraction happens right away, or not at all, so that first impression matter most.

Have fun!

The words used for an opener are not as important as the intent, the energy, and the commitment you bring to it.

That said, I do like to think I have one absolute fall-back every time 100% effective opener. This is something that anyone can use, anytime, any skill level, any environment. For instance, if you are any of the following:
  • You are just starting out and dealing with the daunting task of approaching women for the first time (and wondering how in the hell anyone ever does anything this scary). This will get you started and get you positive responses immediately.

  • You can do cold approaches but have trouble running a full story, or making an opinion opener sound right, or aren't able to jump right into fun banter right away. This gives you the open and lets her know right away you are more than just a guy making conversation. You are a guy flirting with her, and totally comfortable doing it.

  • You can run attraction to the end of time but find that the girl never fully commits to you, but lets you entertain her until the guy she really connects with comes along. This establishes right from the start that you are confident, sexual, and have intent, and rewards her for being the woman who is deserving of that attention (for right now).

  • You are a high-value guy and finding that you come on too strong for some girls and over game them without even realizing it. This will get them smiling and comfortable and let them relax and appreciate your interest.

  • You are super-advanced and want to see just how basic you can break it down. This can make the game ridiculously easy now that you have internalized all the lessons of value and fun and the potential for great intimacy and sexual fulfillment you have to offer.

Seriously. Any one. Any time. Any where. I challenge you to come up with a scenario where this will not open.

I think of this as three yards and a cloud of dust. It's not the flashy aerial attack, and you may never break free and take it straight to the house with this one, but you'll always gain positive yardage.

So what is the secret? Simple. Give her an honest compliment. But there are some nuances to be aware of. Here are the exact words I open with.

"I know this is kind of random, but I had to tell you that you are just too cute."

Now here is what I think makes this work. First, I walk up confident but not cocky. I am not fucking around here, and I am not saying this to get attention. This isn't a joke or a put on and she's not on Punk'd. I'm doing this as a gift from me to her.

I take the frame that she is lovely to look at (for whatever reason -- you needn't save this for the scorching hotties -- any woman who catches your eye for any reason is deserving of a compliment).

Ben/Orion said in a DYD interview that his frame in opening is to make a woman smile, and that always struck me as a wonderful general philosophy. Yes, you want to give her the opportunity for so much more than that, but if you know in your heart that you have the ability to make pretty girls smile at any time, that you really do believe that everything she does is cute, then why would you ever be afraid to talk to her?

Would you not then know that you do have a power to use for good?

Do you not understand how much people, and women in particular, need, crave, and pine for real appreciation?

When you approach a woman and tell her there is something special about her that you can't help but see, you create a world where only the two of you exist, a world she gets to visit far too rarely.

Here's something else to keep in mind. I've read other approaches similar to this which take the same idea, but leave it a little more open to interpretation. I think it is critical that the compliment itself be as subtle and as nourishing as possible, and it has to be about HER, not about her clothes, or stuff.

I've tested this with telling a woman that she is gorgeous, or lovely, or stunning, but I've never found anything that gets as consistently positive and comfortable responses as the word "cute." I think there's some deep psychology and subtle social cue stuff at work here.

If you tell a woman you do not know how beautiful she is, she takes that compliment as an offering to her altar. She may appreciate it, but all it says about you is that you are a man who notices beautiful women.

And for some women, those who are not totally comfortable with their own beauty (especially those who's self image does not map to their appearance), this compliment actually confuses them, and makes them very defensive. They react as if they are waiting for the punchline, like when they were plain and unlovely back in grade school and some asshole kid wrote her a valentine and then laughed at her with all his asshole friends when she confessed her crush on him.

You are not an asshole. You are a man. A man notices things about women that the assholes don't, and understands what is most important to women.

What is most important to them is NOT to be beautiful, or stunning, or hot, or spectacular, or any other bullshit come-on they've already heard.

What matters most to them, what they dream of every night, is that someone cares for them. Someone will protect them. Nurture them. Hold them close and enjoy them for who they are: a cute girl.

All women want to be loved like little sisters, but there's a deeper level. They want to be loved like daughters.

They all want someone to allow them to drop their shields and see through to the little girl who loves puppies and ice cream and Sunday mornings lazing in bed in fluffy pajamas. When you tell her that you see how cute she is, this is what she hears. Finally, someone notices the girl that was always there.

There's lots more to say on this topic, especially on how to follow this opener with consistency and intent, but for now, that's it. I encourage everyone to at least experiment with this direct, natural, warm approach, and see what happens. See what responses you get. See how many smiles you create. Hell, see if you don't find yourself smiling a little knowing that you have the ability, really and genuinely, to create a little more joy in the world.

And really, isn't that the highest motivation for us all? Remember, always leave her better than you found her.

- Sean

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posted by Sean Messenger at 12:21 AM Dating Advice for Men

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kudos to Sean for a brilliant post. The idea that women want to be loved and protected like sisters or daughters is why the word “cute” works so well.

Women watch subtext more than men, so anything you say has two parts – the statement and the unstated intent, or what she thinks is on your mind. The two are always linked. If say a woman is beautiful, you remind her that beautiful women get too much of all the wrong kinds of attention. After all, Helen of Troy probably never wanted anyone to fight a war over her. If you tell a woman she’s hot, she thinks you’re thinking of porn stars or Wicked Weasel models. If she’s stunning, you’re stunned – and so on. In each case the unstated intent is, “I will lose control of myself because of how you look.” So essentially, you’re telling someone who doesn’t want the responsibility of protecting herself from anything that she must now protect herself from you.

“Cute” means “attractive without consequence.” If she’s cute, she can’t cause trouble and thus cannot be held responsible for whatever happens. That’s why women describe everything from cars and apartments to g-strings and pajamas as cute.

Calling her cute says, “I noticed that you’re attractive, yet I’m still in control of myself. I’ll protect you. You don’t have to protect yourself from me. And I won’t make you feel guilty by starting a war that people talk about for thousands of years and blaming it on how you look.”

Like I said, it’s brilliant.


Silver

1:32 PM, September 03, 2006  
Blogger Sean said...

Thanks man. I hit the word "cute" from practicing over and over with different words, and found how well this worked, and then afterwards started to think hard about why it works.

There are so many good things to this sincere approach, and it works so well in so many everyday situations that I always teach it to my clients as a default. It just works better, quicker, more often, than anything else I've found.

6:48 PM, September 06, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's really great I did that with success and they get happy but after that I had no idea how to continue cuz I couldnt bust on her or anything cuz it would be inconsistent; So I ejected!

8:35 PM, February 19, 2007  

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