7.18.2006posted by Donovan at 8:12 PM
I really liked this newsletter from our mate David D. He really nails it sometimes.
I'd like to tell you a story...
It's a story that you might find strangely familiar. Don't be alarmed.
Once upon a time, there was a man who was very attracted to a particular woman.
At first, she was just another attractive woman... but the more he got to know her, the more he began to feel attracted to her... and the more time he spent with her, the more that attraction grew into a deep emotional attachment and affection for her.
But, there was one problem.
As his emotional attachment grew stronger and stronger, he also grew more and more insecure.
Because he couldn't tell whether or not she felt the same way towards him.
Sometimes, she would say things like, "You are so important to me" and "I'm glad that you're in my life"... but nothing ever progressed past the "friendship" stage.
There was an occasional hug, an occasional kiss on the cheek from her... and once, she even held his hand for a long time while he talked about an emotional issue.
But, something was wrong with the picture.
She just wasn't acting like a woman that was "falling in love". She was acting like a friend.
The insecurity that he felt became a spiral that amplified itself... and the more insecure he became, the more afraid he grew of "screwing things up" by kissing her or asking her to be his girlfriend.
Plus, the more insecure he became, the less time she seemed to want to spend with him.
After spending many days and nights obsessing over this girl, the man finally arrived at the conclusion that, if she only knew how HE FELT, she would feel the same way.
So, he made a bold move.
He TOLD HER how he felt.
He confessed that he was in love and that he would do anything to be with her.
She looked at him with compassion in her eyes and said, "Thank you... I really mean that... but I don't want to mess up our friendship... you're too important to me...."
This only confused the man more.
He didn't know how to take it...
Did it mean that she really loved him too, but that she was afraid of something?
Did it mean that she wasn't ready for a long term relationship?
Did it mean that she didn't love him, but that she was trying to give him a hint?
Did it mean that he hadn't tried hard enough?
Did it mean that he needed to put everything on the line and REALLY let her know how he felt?
He finally decided that he couldn't go on like this anymore... he had to be with her.
He had to make sure that she knew just how much he wanted to be with her... so, he took a big step - He bought her a symbolic gift and wrote her a long, long letter... again confessing his feelings.
And then, the unthinkable happened.
She didn't reply.
He called her three times a day for almost a week before reaching her.
She made an excuse about being very busy and said, "I'll try to give you a call soon, I have to go"... and hung up...
but... he never got a call back.
Over the following months the man tried desperately to understand what went wrong... and what happened.
OK, I'm back.
Now, wasn't that a sweet story?
I know, I should keep my day job, and not take up writing romance novels...
Now, let's talk about that story.
That story is basically a MYTH.
And I'm not talking about FICTION here.
I'm talking about a story that rings true for a great majority of men. A story that is timeless. A story that resonates at a deep level because you can IDENTIFY with it.
And why does this particular story resonate for most men?
Because we've all been there in one way or another... at one time or another... and many of us have been there OFTEN in our lives.
Another thing that gives this particular story a lot of power is the powerful negative emotions that it stirs... as a result of the powerful negative experiences that it reminds us of...
Stories and situations like this one really FASCINATE me.
They fascinate me because I see them as an opportunity to UNDERSTAND and SOLVE the puzzles that they represent.
In this particular situation I think there is a solution.
And it lies in understanding a secret that women know, but MEN DON'T.
And that secret comes down to the reality that if a woman isn't ATTRACTED to a man, all of his attempts to confess his love, convince her to like him, and court her BACKFIRE.
In other words, they not only DON'T WORK, they actually make things WORSE.
The very things that a man does to try to make a woman LIKE HIM, make her NOT like him.
They make her run.
All those great intentions and emotional dedication actually cause the man feeling them to do things that make her go away.
And I hope that by explaining the process of how this happens, I'll help you to avoid this painful situation in the future...
THE "INSTANT EWWW"
I'm always fascinated by the idea that we humans don't always understand the message that we're communicating to others...
So often we think that just because we WANT to communicate a message, that others are going to NATURALLY understand what we're trying to say.
Have you ever seen a guy in a foreign car that has wheels on it that cost more than the car itself... with his stereo blasting... and a muffler that somehow AMPLIFIES the raw sound of the 4-cylinder motor...?
Have you ever thought to yourself, "I don't think that car is communicating the message to women that he thinks it is"...?
Yeah, I have too.
Well here's the deal:
If you do something to "let a woman know how you feel"... but she isn't ATTRACTED to you, then it IS going to backfire.
It's going to trigger a feeling that I like to call the "Instant Ewww".
The "Instant Ewww" is just as powerful as the physical and emotional response of ATTRACTION.
Once a woman feels it, YOU'RE DONE.
It's like hammering a RAILROAD SPIKE into the coffin.
Once a woman feels the "Instant Ewww", she will start behaving differently.
In short, she'll disappear.
So where did I get the concept of the "Instant Ewww"?
I got it from WOMEN.
I have actually heard SEVERAL women use the word "Ewww" when describing how they felt about a guy that was "confessing his love"... Of course, these were guys that weren't loved in return.
So, what causes the "Instant Ewww"?
And why would a woman feel it towards a man who was trying to be nice... a guy who was giving her a gift or telling her how he feels?
Because if you think about it from HER perspective, you'll realize that the moment a you do something to "confess", you have created a TURNING POINT in the relationship.
Up until that point, you were harmless.
I mean, women always know how men feel.
She already knew you wanted her.
She knew it from the beginning.
But now that you've started pursuing her and talking about how you feel, you've created a NEGATIVE TENSION that is VERY uncomfortable.
You've triggered an emotion that is repulsive to women. And it does repel them.
You can't "make a woman like you" or "change how she feels about you" by doing nice things for her...
Doing "nice" things for a woman who isn't attracted to you HURTS you. It backfires. Worse, it creates the "Instant Ewww" feeling that makes it so she'll NEVER like you.
Men make this mistake over and over again in life because they're doing what MAKES SENSE to them. They're doing it because they don't have an understanding of ATTRACTION.
I mean, if you have a friend, and you like them, and you want to make them like you more... and you do some nice things for them, they will probably like you more.
On the other hand...
If you have a woman that you "like" in a romantic way and she doesn't "feel it" for you, and you do something nice for her because you want HER to like you more, it will BACKFIRE... and she will not only NOT like you more, she will most likely distance herself from you.
Guys think that they need to communicate when they like a woman... as if that's part of the necessary process of getting a girl.
In their minds, it goes like this:
Like her -> Tell her you like her -> She likes you
Well remember... if you follow this pattern yourself with women who aren't ATTRACTED to you, then it's going to BACKFIRE.
If she's not into you, then it goes like THIS:
She thinks of you as a friend -> You tell her you like her -> She gets the "Instant Ewwws" and never wants to be around you again...
There are really TWO answers to this problem.
The first answer is what to do if you're in a situation where you like a particular girl, but you don't know if she likes you back.
DON'T GET HEAVY WITH HER.
Don't buy her a big gift and write a love letter...
Don't send her ten dozen roses to her work with a note that says, "From your secret admirer".
Don't call her three times a day.
And DON'T CONFESS YOUR LOVE for her.
If you want to know how she feels about you, KISS HER (and use "The Kiss Test" that you learned on my website and in my book).
As a rule of thumb, don't get heavier than HER. Use SIGNALS from her to find out how she feels... and if you don't know how to read and create those signals, then LEARN.
Asking a woman if she's interested in you in a romantic way or if you are "her type", will actually DESTROY the chances that she'll like you.
The SECOND answer is: Don't get into this particular situation in the FIRST PLACE. Avoid it entirely.
And how does one do that?
One does that by creating ATTRACTION from the beginning.
One does that by understanding the dynamics of how and why women have the physical and emotional response of ATTRACTION triggered.
One does that by knowing what you're doing FROM THE BEGINNING.
And what's the best way to learn THAT skill?
I thought you'd never ask...
I've spent several years now studying the ways that men who are "naturals" communicate using their words, voice tone, and body language that makes them MAGNETIC to women.
And I'll tell you... it's not magic.
You don't have to be rich, handsome, or young.
And you don't have to be LUCKY.
What you DO have to do is LEARN.
It's a skill, and I honestly believe that ANY
man can learn it if he wants to.
But you're not likely to figure it out by "trial and error". Many of the keys to making women feel ATTRACTION aren't "obvious" at all.
In fact, many of them make no sense... and they're the LAST thing you'd do in a particular situation if you didn't know the SECRETS.
I'm telling you, this eBook will help show you the way. I guarantee that this program will INSTANTLY change how you behave around women.
And, it will start getting you results IMMEDIATELY.
Go check out the details and some great free samples here.
And I'll talk to you again soon.
posted by Donovan at 8:12 PM Dating Advice for Men