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SPG on Long Term Relationships (LTR)


posted by Donovan at 8:45 PM

I emailed our friend SPG over at SPG Diaries, and asked him what his secrets were for creating a significant amount of attraction within LTR's. He emailed me back and I wanted to share with you the email with his permission.

First off, you're right, my "specialty" is LTRs, as far as I have a specialty in any aspect of the game. I'm relatively poor at PU. I certainly don't have the skillset of a Mystery or a Tyler Durden, who are super outgoing and can just knock women's socks (or pants) off with their charm. I have my outgoing "moments," but I also can come off as shy and am more on the quiet side.

Yet I can consistently get women into LTR, or, as is the case for me now, MLTRs, which I'm amazed to find is a difficult issue even for some really great PUAs. I've been riffing on "prespective" in my blog lately, and it's interesting that guys who I would consider to have "game" that I'd aspire to (guys I would consider WAY out of my league) would turn to me for relationship advice.

So here's what I do. First off, I live by the rule that I do what I want and don't do what I don't want. For me, that's just a family trait, but it sets the frame as "this is my world, and any woman who comes in is going to be living in my world on my terms." And that's true whatever your terms may be.

In my case, I make it clear that, first of all, I'm a father first. I do this by talking about my son - not too much. But I have some really good "cute stories" about my son. I'm genuinely proud of my son and love him more than anything, so the conviction is there, but I'm communicating that I'm not going to hide that I'm a father to seek her approval, that I've got somebody whose very important in my life (other commitments) and that I can not only take care of myself but another human being. Some guys like to hide the fact that they're a father, or apologize for it, but I go the opposite way - I embrace it. That kind of conviction, combined with good story-telling, is BIG. (BTW, all of the women I'm currently dating have never been married and have no kids. Two are under 30; one is 23. In other words, any woman can fall for the single dad.)

Another thing I do, usually as early as the first date, is talk about how people tend to get into relationships too early, usually through a humorous story about some poor sap I know who jumped into a relationship way too soon. I'll usually mention that I'm not looking for a wife. This is important, because I want to weed out the women who are looking for a ring. I don't say that I never want to get married (I might), but that's not what I'm looking for right now.

I'm not afraid of rejection, of having the woman walk away or whatever. If she doesn't like kids, good riddance; if she can't hold her end of a conversation, I'm not going to help her out; if she doesn't have a sense of humor, she's out; if she's looking for a husband to drive the kids in the minivan, keep looking; if she's not cool, forget it. I'm pretty mellow, take very good care of myself, I'm smart and I bring a lot to the table - I expect a woman whose compatible with that. It sets a high bar.

The first several dates are all about attraction. Keep it fun, get physical early, keep the passion high. Don't see her too often, don't call or email too often. Keep myself busy with other things, date other women no matter how much I like her. I don't do canned openers or routines, I'm just my natural self. I do tell stories and I have a goofy side that I'll share during "pillow talk." I've found that most women, especially really attractive women, have a really goofy side, but they're often afraid to bring that out. If she can feel comfortable being silly with you when you're naked together after sex, you're a keeper in her book.

Every date is on my terms. If I want to stay in, we stay in; if I want to go out, we go out. I keep my life very interesting (this is key - you need to have an awesome world to bring her into where she's safe & excited). I'm always doing new & cool things - wine tasting, skiing, skydiving, hiking, fishing, mountain biking, traveling. And I bring her into that world by telling her stories about it (or bringing her along, if we've been together long enough). Over time, I'll let her into more of my world, but there are always things that I keep for myself. I don't like GFs who are joined with me at the hip, and I'll come right out and say that. I'll laugh about the couples with those cute little matching ski outfits who can't take a dump without calling their sweetie to tell them about it (you can riff all day on that one - it's great).

We're always either trying new things (new restaurants, places to go, etc.) or just being horny rabbits in the bedroom. If every time she comes over she's having toe-curling orgasms, she's not going to care that every date is just her coming over for sex. Then when you do go outside the bedroom (dinner, movie, whatever), she's going to think she's on vacation.

So bottom line, I lay out my reality early on, I set a high bar for her to jump over, I work hard on improving myself, I lead an interesting life and keep parts of it off-limits, I make attraction the #1 priority and every date and the entire relationship is on my terms from the very beginning. And I'm just myself from day one. (My blog is just me being me, if you want some perspective.)

I like his advice. Alot of his traits seem to come from the teachings of David Deangelo, however these might his natural traits.
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posted by Donovan at 8:45 PM Dating Advice for Men


Anonymous JetLagg said...

What a fantastic photo of Neil and Tyler. I can't stop looking at it. Just look at the expression on Neil's face. And look at the eerie way TD's eye is masked by the lens flare.

5:21 PM, August 23, 2006  

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