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Mystery Method (3): Attraction

10.17.2005

posted by Donovan at 2:51 PM

UPDATE! Do you want to get Mystery to teach you every step of the way? Check out his DVD Home Course.

ATTRACT 1:
Opening
ATTRACT 2:
Female-to-male attract phase (often called "attracting")
ATTRACT 3:
Male-to-female attract phase (or "qualifying")
COMFORT 1:
Connection
COMFORT 3:
Intimacy
SEDUCTION 2:
Last-minute Resistance

A2: Attraction is often called "Female to Male Interest". This the stage in which we make women interested in us. We create attraction. Read those last sentences again. We MAKE women interested in us. We CREATE attraction. This is a fundamental difference between the Mystery Method and other techniques. We were not, and are not, satisfied with JUST improving our attractiveness to women and recognizing when an individual woman is interested in us -- although this is important and we will discuss it below.

Mystery Method

More importantly, one of our breakthroughs is in how we learned how to take a woman who starts off emotionally neutral towards us, and, relying on what we've learned of female behavior, flip the right emotional switches so that she becomes interested/attracted.

So how do you start A2? Simple. You jump straight into A2 as soon as you spot an opportunity from A1 (the opener). You don't even need to finish your opener in A1. For example, you might have approached a group and asked for an opinion on something (e.g., my friend over there, she wants to dye her hair blonde, what do you think?). There's no value to you in an extended conversation about your "friend's" hair. So as soon as you can, you'll want to say something like "hey, that reminds me . . ." and jump into a piece of A2 material. A2 material can be story, a specific conversational thread, a routine, or any other technique to build attraction. We discuss these more below.

Guys who are new to the Mystery Method often question how we can jump between unrelated pieces of material. If you approach a group of people asking about your friend's hair, and then start telling them about something that happened to you earlier that day, you may feel it strange or awkward. Trust us here (or, better still, go out and try). Most people -- especially women -- don't care if there is little obvious relationship between different conversational threads, as long as they are entertained. Think about a professional comedian. His or her jokes will be grouped into certain subjects, but these subjects are rarely related. So after a couple of jokes about, say, airlines, he or she will tell a couple about some movie star. They're not connected, but we don't notice or care. We're entertained and interested. If you feel shy doing this at first, you can slip in a meaningless connector like "that reminds me . . ." or "that's just like when . . .". However, in time, you'll realize that these are unnecessary.

To recap: the moment you change the subject from your opener to something new, you are in A2. Now your job is to create attraction from the woman in whom you are interested.

Two key building blocks for this are Demonstrations of Higher Value (DHVs) and Negs. A DHV is simply a demonstration that you are "better than the other guys". You have a higher value than they do. Most men instinctively understand this. That's why they try to work out, dress nicely, have money, achieve social status, etc. Some men also try to put other men down, so that they look better by comparison.

While this stuff helps (the improving yourself part -- putting down other guys has its place but it's for a very specific situation and we'll cover that later), it's ultimately a limited strategy. First, there will always be someone better looking, better dressed, richer, and more successful than you. Second, the most desirable women out there already have tons of guys in their lives who are sufficiently good looking, well-dressed, rich, and successful to get their interest. It will take more than that to win them over.

So this is where we DEMONSTRATE that we have a higher value. How do we do this?

Storytelling is a crucial tool in your arsenal. You MUST learn how to entertain and keep a group's interest in a story that you tell. Good storytelling is necessary for effective sub-communication (which we describe below), and is prized as a valuable social skill in itself. Plan and practice your stories.

Learn how to have a good hook line (e.g., "hey, did you see that fight outside?")

Learn how to leave open threads for your audience to ask about (e.g., "I was in Japan last week and all over Tokyo there are these machines that look like they sell soft drinks, but it's actually like 50 flavors of milk. And you don't put coins in, you use your cell phone to dial a drink") . . . the open thread here of course is "what were you doing in Japan?"

Learn how to seek input for your stories in a safe way that doesn't risk derailing where you're going with the story. For example, if you are telling a story about your nephew, you might start with "My 8-year old nephew Samuel did the funniest thing this morning. You like kids right? [Wait for "yes" answer and then continue] Well, anyway, so here's what happened . . ."

LIVE the story. This is most important principle of storytelling. If you are telling a story about a friend's party, you have to see, hear, feel, smell, taste everything that you're talking about. Express emotion. Be interested in what you're talking about, or there is no chance that anyone else will be. Take your new friends on a journey with you through the story.

Sub-communication is the crucial art of communicating something about yourself without appearing to be trying to communicate it. This doesn't have to be verbal. Not showing signs of interest in a beautiful woman (yet) will sub-communicate that you have and have had beautiful women in your life and that her beauty does not phase you. Or it can be verbal, often combined with storytelling. Here's an example of part of a longer story -- which I exaggerated for effect:
"My ex-girlfriend just picked me up at the airport tonight, and instead of her Audi she was driving a Maserati all of a sudden. It was too funny -- I tried to pretend that I didn't notice, and then like 100 yards outside the airport, we get pulled over. She didn't tell me until afterwards that they'd just given her the car for a photo shoot she was doing, so when the cop lights came on, I was totally wondering what was up. Finally, I whispered to her: "Karen, if in the last three days you'd become a drug baron and were on the FBI hit list, you'd tell me right?" Anyway, even when it turns out we just had a broken headlight, . . . Etc., etc., [continue on in any direction from here for a punch line]"
In just a few sentences as part of story, we learn all sorts of things about the narrator. Most of these things, if he said them directly, would come off as bragging and would LOWER his value. But instead, because he sub-communicated them instead of communicated them, they RAISE his value. Here's a quick list of some things that got communicated:
  • He has an ex-girlfriend. He's not a total loser.
  • He is close enough to his ex-girlfriend that she would pick him up at the airport.
  • He has a lifestyle where he travels (he's coming from the airport).
  • His ex-girlfriend has an Audi. This doesn't necessarily give her a ton of value, but it gives her a little bit. Which gives you a bit of value by implication.
  • His ex-girlfriend does photo shoots. She must be attractive.
  • His ex-girlfriend does the kind of photo shoots where they'd give her a Maserati for the day as part of it. She must be very attractive.
The key to sub-communication is to make it subtle. A useful pattern is to be talking about something OTHER than what you are trying to sub-communicate. For example, in the story above, the purpose of the sub-communication is to tell the group that you are attractive to desirable women. However, the story itself is about getting pulled over by the police.

Use common sense and err on the side of too much subtlety, not too little. Don't be the guy who says "So I was at my accountant's office today, trying to figure out how much taxes I owe on the $50 million I earned last year, when he spilled orange juice on the rug. Did you know orange juice stains don't come out?". Stay far, far away from this. People will recognize that a story about orange juice stains did not require the details you included about how much money you make.

Also be aware of WHAT you are sub-communicating. The following things, if sub-communicated effectively, tend to be attractive to most women:
  • Pre-selection (other attractive women want you)
  • Wealth
  • Power
  • Social status (especially being the leader of men)
  • Some unpredictability
  • In control, not controlling
  • Intrigue/curiosity/unanswered questions about you
  • Being the protector of your loved ones
Interactive DHVs

An interactive DHV is where you SHOW the group that you have higher value through something you are doing then and there. For example, making people laugh, telling them something interesting, teaching them something, being a good dancer, or doing anything that shows that you are a cool guy, is in itself a DHV.

Negs

The Neg is a very powerful tool. You simultaneously raise your social value relative to hers, while apparently disqualifying yourself as a potential suitor for her. For example, if you say to a woman "Nice nails; are they real?" she will be forced to admit to you that they're not (obviously, don't use this one on a woman with real nails). Done correctly, this will momentarily embarrass her but in a way that doesn't make you appear to be socially awkward. You really WERE trying to compliment her. It's HER fault that she has imperfections, and that you just happened to address one of them. Obviously, one neg by itself will not lead to a relationship, but a well-calibrated neg in the context of a solid application of the Mystery Method can get you there.

As I mentioned above, the neg also disqualifies you as a potential suitor. Guys that hit on her simply don't do this kind of thing. She'll know it and her friends will know it. The fact that you are clearly NOT hitting on her sub-communicates several things:
  • It makes you a challenge. When every other guy fawns over her, but you aren't won over yet, it's more fun for her to try to get your attention and "convert" you than it is to play a game that's already won.

  • It gives you higher value. If you're not hitting on her, you must have other women in your life. Perhaps these women are more attractive and desirable than her. This reflects very well on you.

  • It disarms her friends. If people in her group think you are obviously hitting on her, they may try to pull her away or make you look bad in front of her. If you are just a cool, fun guy who doesn't show any obvious interest in her, they'll be inclined to accept you, or even help HER seduce YOU.
Negs are powerful little weapons and need to be used appropriately. For example, a neg is generally unnecessary unless a woman perceives herself as being in the top third among women in terms of attractiveness. For an "average" woman, you probably don't need to lower her social value too much or raise yours too much -- if you follow all of the other techniques of the Mystery Method, you will come across with high value anyway. Nor do you necessarily need to disqualify yourself -- she doesn't get hit on that much, and she will most likely enjoy the attention and her friends will encourage her. Similarly, with attractive women, one or maybe two negs should suffice. Overdoing it can come off as hostile or arrogant, which are unattractive. Only on the rarest and most desirable women would you need to neg three or more times.

Negs must also be delivered appropriately. Drawing too much attention to them will make them awkward. Forcing her to react to them may make her feel defensive or shy. A neg is best delivered as a sidebar conversation to whatever conversation you are currently having, preferably with someone else. For example, if you approach two women, Amy and Brandi, and you are interested in Amy, you may be telling them both a story, and, while focusing slightly more of your attention on Brandi, suddenly tell Amy that she has something between her teeth. Without pausing to let a conversation about this develop (and derail your original conversation) you smoothly continue with what you were talking about before, leaving Amy feeling a little bit more insecure around you and wanting your approval, but without putting Amy on the spot and forcing her to say something negative (or anything at all, for that matter) back to you -- which would be unhelpful. Brandi, meanwhile, who is tired of standing around while men try to seduce her more attractive friend, will approve of you more for not being like everyone else.

Just like A1: Opening, with A2: Attract, it is just as important to know when to leave it. Again, the answer is "as soon as you can". A sneak preview of A3 is that you get the woman to hit on you. A3 is the mirror opposite of A2. In A2 we DHV. In A3 we get the girl to DHV. And eventually we let her win us over. Every once in a while, test to see if she's ready to do this. Ask her "so, what's your story?" or something similar and see if she starts trying to tell you good things about herself. If she does, you're in A3.

For complete coverage of everything the Mystery Method can offer, download the Magic Bullets ebook

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posted by Donovan at 2:51 PM Dating Advice for Men

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

can someone please give more examples of effective dhv stories!

6:53 AM, December 02, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

can someone please give more examples of effective dhv stories!

6:53 AM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger Donovan said...

You want to simply embed DHV's into stories. eg. Preselection, tribal leader, etc. Get the MM e-book for a fuller explanation.

1:41 PM, March 07, 2006  

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