Do you make this mistake when asking a woman out?
9.28.2005
posted by Donovan at 4:46 PMEarlier I mentioned that your questions have given me some insight into the way you THINK.
Let's talk about that.
The way you've phrased your question, "Could you tell me how to ask a woman out...?” tells me a few things...
1) It tells me that you believe that you're the one who has to do the asking
2) It tells me that you believe that you need to ask a woman "out on a date" when you DO "ask her"
3) It tells me that you believe that you're taking a big risk when you do (your words were "putting yourself out there").
4) It tells me that you ALREADY think that she has POWER OVER YOU... before you've even met her and "asked her out".
Whoa. Heavy, man.
What if I said that the answer was to never ask another woman out again?
What if I said that for the next year you need to only tell women what you're going to do, and let them know that if they'd like to join you they may, but if they choose not to, it's their loss?
What if I said that you're only risking something when you care what she thinks of you... and that once you get over caring what a woman thinks of you, your success will sky-rocket?
I realize that these might be "far-out" ideas, but if you round up 100 guys who are VERY successful with women, you'll find that MOST of them operate with these beliefs.
I can't do the "psychological brain surgery" that you seem to need in one email... but let me give you a new way to think about this...
Beautiful women aren't interested in being with men who are weak. They're not interested in men who have low self esteem. They're not interested in men who give away their power. They're not interested in men who don't GET what they want in life.
In other words, beautiful women aren't attracted to WUSSIES.
The type of thinking that you're showing me here is WUSSY thinking. It's weak.
It's saying, "She has the power”. I want her to be with me, so I need to "ask her out" in order to get her to spend time with me... if she rejects me, I will lose something".
You're basically suggesting that you lack something and she has it... and that you NEED what she has so badly that you'll do anything for it.
You've handed over your power before the game has even started.
And guess what kind of effect this is going to have on a woman you're trying to "ask out"?
Right, she's going to SMELL YOUR INNER WUSSY, whether it's in-person or over the phone.
She's going to hear it in your voice.
Women are PROS at sensing the Inner Wussy.
And women RESENT men that they can control.
So what's the answer?
You need to realize that YOU are the one who is the desirable prize. You are giving HER a great opportunity by making yourself available to her. You have nothing to lose if she doesn't spend time with you... in fact, she SAVED you time by eliminating herself from your consideration.
I'm not talking about becoming an arrogant,outwardly over-inflated JERK here.
I'm talking about how you THINK.
So next time you're on the phone with a woman that you've met recently, try this...
1) Call her and say, "Hey, WHAT’S UP?". Don't talk about work, family, or any other BORING topic.
2) Tease her and get back the fun mood that you hopefully created when you first met her.
3) Tell her that you're busy, but you might have some time on Saturday... and that if she's lucky you might let her hang out with you.
4) Hang up. That's right, tell her you have to go, and then GO.
Why?
Well, you need to learn how to not NEED her to like you. And you need to learn how to give a woman the gift of missing you. You need to learn how to LEAN BACK, and not care what happens.
These things will help you TREMENDOUSLY.
Finally, call her back on Saturday afternoon and say "Hey, I'm going to Starbucks, I think you should buy me a cup of tea and entertain me".
BIG DIFFERENCE between that approach and the way you've probably been doing things.
And I'm hoping that I've answered your "Where do I take a woman on the first date?" question as well...
Don't take her ANYWHERE. Let her take you out for a cup of tea. You can still pay, just to prove that you're a "gentleman" (by the way, if you say "I'm not paying for your tea because I like you, I'm paying for it because I am a gentleman", it's a nice touch).
And, if you're HELL BENT on going "out" somewhere with a woman (why men cling to the idea of going "out", instead of staying "in", I have no idea), then go to a mall and make fun of fashions, or go play a game of pool. DO SOMETHING THAT ISN'T BORING... whatever you do. And do something that doesn't say, "I'm trying to impress you".
But, let's face it. What you REALLY need is a TOTAL THINKING OVERHAUL.
It's not simple or easy to get rid of years of programming and beliefs. It's not going to happen in a few minutes.
If you need to get area of you're life IMPROVED DRAMATICALLY, get David's eBook which gives step-by-step instructions and lessons for the cost that's less than a dinner and movie. Download here.
Let's talk about that.
The way you've phrased your question, "Could you tell me how to ask a woman out...?” tells me a few things...
1) It tells me that you believe that you're the one who has to do the asking
2) It tells me that you believe that you need to ask a woman "out on a date" when you DO "ask her"
3) It tells me that you believe that you're taking a big risk when you do (your words were "putting yourself out there").
4) It tells me that you ALREADY think that she has POWER OVER YOU... before you've even met her and "asked her out".
Whoa. Heavy, man.
What if I said that the answer was to never ask another woman out again?
What if I said that for the next year you need to only tell women what you're going to do, and let them know that if they'd like to join you they may, but if they choose not to, it's their loss?
What if I said that you're only risking something when you care what she thinks of you... and that once you get over caring what a woman thinks of you, your success will sky-rocket?
I realize that these might be "far-out" ideas, but if you round up 100 guys who are VERY successful with women, you'll find that MOST of them operate with these beliefs.
I can't do the "psychological brain surgery" that you seem to need in one email... but let me give you a new way to think about this...
Beautiful women aren't interested in being with men who are weak. They're not interested in men who have low self esteem. They're not interested in men who give away their power. They're not interested in men who don't GET what they want in life.
In other words, beautiful women aren't attracted to WUSSIES.
The type of thinking that you're showing me here is WUSSY thinking. It's weak.
It's saying, "She has the power”. I want her to be with me, so I need to "ask her out" in order to get her to spend time with me... if she rejects me, I will lose something".
You're basically suggesting that you lack something and she has it... and that you NEED what she has so badly that you'll do anything for it.
You've handed over your power before the game has even started.
And guess what kind of effect this is going to have on a woman you're trying to "ask out"?
Right, she's going to SMELL YOUR INNER WUSSY, whether it's in-person or over the phone.
She's going to hear it in your voice.
Women are PROS at sensing the Inner Wussy.
And women RESENT men that they can control.
So what's the answer?
You need to realize that YOU are the one who is the desirable prize. You are giving HER a great opportunity by making yourself available to her. You have nothing to lose if she doesn't spend time with you... in fact, she SAVED you time by eliminating herself from your consideration.
I'm not talking about becoming an arrogant,outwardly over-inflated JERK here.
I'm talking about how you THINK.
So next time you're on the phone with a woman that you've met recently, try this...
1) Call her and say, "Hey, WHAT’S UP?". Don't talk about work, family, or any other BORING topic.
2) Tease her and get back the fun mood that you hopefully created when you first met her.
3) Tell her that you're busy, but you might have some time on Saturday... and that if she's lucky you might let her hang out with you.
4) Hang up. That's right, tell her you have to go, and then GO.
Why?
Well, you need to learn how to not NEED her to like you. And you need to learn how to give a woman the gift of missing you. You need to learn how to LEAN BACK, and not care what happens.
These things will help you TREMENDOUSLY.
Finally, call her back on Saturday afternoon and say "Hey, I'm going to Starbucks, I think you should buy me a cup of tea and entertain me".
BIG DIFFERENCE between that approach and the way you've probably been doing things.
And I'm hoping that I've answered your "Where do I take a woman on the first date?" question as well...
Don't take her ANYWHERE. Let her take you out for a cup of tea. You can still pay, just to prove that you're a "gentleman" (by the way, if you say "I'm not paying for your tea because I like you, I'm paying for it because I am a gentleman", it's a nice touch).
And, if you're HELL BENT on going "out" somewhere with a woman (why men cling to the idea of going "out", instead of staying "in", I have no idea), then go to a mall and make fun of fashions, or go play a game of pool. DO SOMETHING THAT ISN'T BORING... whatever you do. And do something that doesn't say, "I'm trying to impress you".
But, let's face it. What you REALLY need is a TOTAL THINKING OVERHAUL.
It's not simple or easy to get rid of years of programming and beliefs. It's not going to happen in a few minutes.
If you need to get area of you're life IMPROVED DRAMATICALLY, get David's eBook which gives step-by-step instructions and lessons for the cost that's less than a dinner and movie. Download here.
posted by Donovan at 4:46 PM Dating Advice for Men
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