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Girls are Friendly - The Myth of the B*tch Shield


posted by Sean Messenger at 1:08 PM

Girls are really mean, aren't they?

I'm sure you've heard the horror stories somewhere before, and you just know what terrible things will happen to you unless you do everything perfectly.

"If I talk to her, she'll just tell me to eff off."

"She'll call me a dork and throw a drink in my face."

Or worst of all:

"I know she'll have her b*tch shields up, so I have to disarm her. She'll be mean, but I am expecting that, so I'm ready."

Ever heard of the idea of creative visualization? Sports stars like Tiger Woods will picture the perfect shot over and over again before they take it. This way, their mind has perfectly prepared their body to perform at it's best.

They imagine the best outcome, and their body makes it reality.

So what happens when you imagine the WORST outcome?

Even worse, what happens when you completely make up the worst possible outcome, regardless of everything you know to be true?

Now we all know women in our regular lives. They are our mothers, grandmothers, sisters, friends, girlfriends. And we all know that these women are NOT mean by nature. They are not B*TCHES.

In fact, women are far friendlier, nicer, and more open to talking to people than men could ever be.

So how do guys get the idea that talking to a girl will result in her being mean to him?

I mean, I know brilliant minds who think this way. They are convinced that they need to prepare for this worst-case scenario so they can strategize for it.

But what happens to Tiger if he spends his time imagining what he needs to do next after he hits his shot into the water? That's right.


So he doesn't think about the worst thing that can happen. He focuses on the best, and so should you.

Here's the thing about this idea that women aren't friendly, and will act mean if you talk to them: not only is it just a poor approach, it's flat-out WRONG.

Women are NOT mean.

Women do not want you to do badly so they can be mean to you. They want you to do well so they can enjoy it.

No girl thinks to herself, "I hope an obnoxious guy really acts like an ass around me and makes me uncomfortable with his negative vibe so I can tell him he's a jerk."

Girls think "I hope that cute guy with the nice smile makes me smile."

So you are being social and friendly. You are chatting. You are flirting, which women love, and cannot get enough of. The worst thing that can happen is she doesn't get it, and goes on her way. The best thing is she falls in love with you and makes your life better.

The idea that men get that women are somehow mean and confrontational is bogus. The only time that women act this way is when they are pushed out of their natural warm nature by, well, assh*les. I won't tell you who the kinds of guys are that can provoke this reaction, but you can guess. You may have met a few.

You are not one of those guys. You are not there to plow her with 20 minutes of talking sh*t, or impress her with stories and photos of your famous friends, or your car, or your house, or the cocaine in your glove compartment.

You are there to let her enjoy a laugh with you, and bask in the flirting attention of an attractive guy.

This is not self-help mantra bullshit, either. I'm not telling you to repeat "all chicks totally dig me" 100 times a day.

But be REAL in your expectation. Women are NOT mean. They are cute. They are a little nervous (way more than you are). They are hoping for the best... they want you to do well.

The myth of the b*tch shield is just that: a myth. Yes, there are some guys who provoke negative reactions from girls. But it's almost always because they did something to act truly obnoxious first. The idea that hot girls all act mean was devised by well-meaning people who didn't really take the time to figure out what else was happening.

It wasn't the girl putting up the shield. It was the guy, going in thinking "I KNOW this will go badly, but that's what I have to do."

And he went in shields up, convinced no one could possibly like him, and blamed the girl for it, never seeing that he just created his own reality.

You are better than that. We all are. We just have to believe it and be it.

How do you do it?

1) Smile. Now smile bigger. Now laugh to yourself and let your body feel good.

2) Bob your head a little and say "yeah yeah yeah" under your breath. Use your body to prepare your mind for the best-case scenario.

3) Now walk up to the cute girl, say "Hi," and get to know each other. You know the rest.
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posted by Sean Messenger at 1:08 PM Dating Advice for Men


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mystery would say that very hot women are approached constantly and have to put up a shield in order not to accept the advances of hundreds of men over the course of a week.

You can call it a nice girl shield.

The point is that men have to get around all of the defenses very beautiful women erect to screen out hundreds of men per week.

The key is not that she is a bitch. Mystery says that very beautiful women usually have better personalities than other people once you've survived the screen.

Screening is real, the name "bitch shield" is semantics and not important.

4:03 PM, June 08, 2006  
Blogger Sean said...

Good comments.

>very hot women are approached constantly and have to put up a shield in order not to accept the advances of hundreds of men over the course of a week.

Here's where my experience differs RADICALLY. Every hot girl I've ever been with or talked to says that this is at best a half-truth. Hot girls are gawked at, whistled at, leered at or bumped against hundreds of times a week (maybe even more if they go out to clubs), but they are almost NEVER actually approached by a guy who really wants to talk to them.

The next time you are with a hot girl, dig a little deeper. Ask her how many times she gets hit on per week. She'll most likely answer "all the time." Then ask how many times a guy actually walks up to her and talks to her (not counting walking by and saying something obnoxious).

She will most likely confess that it doesn't happen very often at all.

The most beautiful women are the most lonely, because very few people have the courage to talk to them, and those that do almost always put on an act in order to protect themselves.

Your experience may differ, but this is what I've learned from the hundreds of beautiful women I've known.

9:11 PM, June 08, 2006  
Blogger Sean said...

I'm really glad to have a discussion on this topic, because it means there are different theories based on the experiences we all have.

Here's one other thing I've noticed about attitudes that people have about beautiful women.

In my experience, the most beautiful women tend to have much more bland personalities than other people.

I'm not saying they are bad people. I'm not saying they are worth less. But they are less fun to be with.

But why would this be?

I suspect it's because they never have to develop a personality. People give them things based on looks alone, so they are unlikely to develop humor, playfulness, charm, wit, warmth, or real empathy.

I've dated a lot of women who made their living on their looks, and in almost all cases, they were far less fun, interesting, and way less sexy than the cute/hot girls who made a life for themselves based on something other than looks.

9:18 PM, June 08, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As far as the generality that beautiful women fail to develop intriguing or 'fun'personalities, I would have to make a correction there. If said beautiful woman was not beautiful or'hot' all of her life but became so later, or if she suffered even a minor awkward period, then that flat personality rule can go right out the window. There are also two other determining factors. Both going back to how she was raised. If said 'hottie' was always great looking but suffered major childhood trauma/s, then she may have more depth and personality than the average joe would know how to handle. And also- (as is the case with my cousin who wakes up everyday in the body of a Victorias Secret model but has no idea that she is hot)- if she was raised by very salt of the earth types, or parents who didn't constantly reward or draw her attention to her beauty but to her actions and inner worth, then again we have a winner. But by all accounts, I must say, as a woman who is checked out quite a bit and rarely ever approached, I am really glad to see that there are sites, or books out there to help guys muster up the confidence to approach women. Hopefully it is not all to some empty, ego-inflating end. That would truly be sad. One last thing. Women would always rather be approached then the reverse. The latter makes us feel desperate, even if we're not. So go for it.

12:05 AM, June 12, 2006  
Blogger BigSend said...

How about I visualize successfully breaking the bitch shield?

:) :)

11:19 AM, June 12, 2006  
Blogger Sean said...

- I must say, as a woman who is checked out quite a bit and rarely ever approached, I am really glad to see that there are sites, or books out there to help guys muster up the confidence to approach women.

I LOVE that we're getting comments and feedback from women about this stuff. Donovan, that speaks volumes on how your site is really getting a message to people.

It still amazes me that there are entire companies who have built themselves up on how to attract women and keep them happy while maintaining that you can't learn anything by actually talking to a woman about it!

Women know what they want and what they like. They may not always tell you at first, or tell you straight out, but if you keep digging, they will tell. And that's the best way to learn.

Women are not the enemy. They are the whole point of this stuff... they make our lives better. So learn to enjoy them as much as you can.

12:34 PM, June 16, 2006  
Blogger Donovan said...

True... True!

12:38 PM, June 16, 2006  
Anonymous tentacle said...

although i somewhat agree with mystery's idea of the screening shield i'd say it is really limited.

when you go out in clubs and you are heavily peacocked, then you will get some sort of shielding, but you are the one who provoked it in the first place by dressing so outrageous.

but other than that i cant see any shield. when you approach, most girls are nervous or feel intimidated and you can really see how they relax and open up once the silence is broken. there are so few people nowadays who are having a genuine conversation just for the sake of talking to someone.

most people only talk when there is a reason or a goal to the conversation. this, however, will cause the other person to doubt your trustworthyness, which in fact makes her screen you.

so when the girl can feel you are only talking to get into her pants, guess what, she wont let you. but when you are being real with her and enjoy the conversation in its own, then no one will put up a bitch act.

12:12 AM, June 22, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to say that the "bitch shield" exists, or what we can collectively call them "girl defenses".

Please note that mystery and many other guys in the community is not beyond taking another guys girlfriend, and I'm sure he's probably slept with other guy's wives unknowingly. Many in the community simply want to sleep with the most beautiful women and other guys be damned. They use the "use em and lose em" approach, even if they don't treat girls like that, but after reading the game and how Neil acted, you can only guess at what kind of things mystery has done.

My sister is a hottie and she tells me all the strategies she uses to get blow out or send away/get away from guys that try to start conversations with her, I think mystery is correct since he has TALKED TO and SLEPT WITH more women then any men here.

5:35 AM, June 24, 2006  
Anonymous $LiM said...

I think that the screen is put up by both men and women in a given interaction. She may use any number of ASD's and the guy may neg her to gain validation. The point being screening is an important part of the dance. It's how you react to a given screen that will dictate your success.

Think about it...would you be interested in a woman that had no process of qualifying her suitor? I want to know that who I am talking to is someone of value. If you concede your attraction too easily, your value is diminished, in my books anyhow.

11:56 AM, November 25, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mystery seems to respect the woman's shield and says that it protects her against "a barrage of boredom", since most guys approach them and say the same boring stuff they've heard a million times. No girl wants to be ignored, but they want attention from guys who are interesting and worth their time. If we're not interesting enough, well that's not the girl's fault. We've got to do some work on ourselves.

One other note on the shield is that it depends on the environment. I was sitting at Starbucks today and it was easy to strike up a chat with very nice looking girls. But if I had talked to those same very nice looking girls in a nightclub after they had been hit on 50 times already, the shield would have been much stronger.

6:11 AM, November 30, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Despite reading a good article on another similar subject, this one is bad because it focuses on semantics. Girl shield, screening shield, whatever. The mechanics are there regardless what we call it. The first comment by Anonymous was very good.

Lastly, I'm going to have to disagree with the guy that said.. "women know what they want". Women are emotional and what they want changes on their mood. Which is why in the Game they say negative attention is better then no attention. At least it's attention, and you can CHANGE that. So if she's negative towards you, she doesn't want you. She knows this. But then you bust through her shields and defenses and suddenly she likes you and is attracted. Wait, I thought she KNEW she didn't like you? Or how about how women treat "nice guys"? How many times have we heard women lament that they are just looking for a nice guy. Yeah.. and who do they take home and fuck? Who do they obsess over and try to change, and marry? Not the nice guy. Well, so much for the theory that women "know what they want". A woman may think she wants or doesn't want something, the very point to being a PUA is to change these ideas in her head and get her to like you so the point of women "knowing what they want" is irrevolent. They know what they want based on their emotional state, which changes more often then a baby's diaper.

2:18 PM, January 10, 2007  
Anonymous nasha said...

The hottest woman is untouchable. You can't get through. She's so smart and beautiful that she must take it to the grave, buried treasure. It's sad but that's how it is. The world just throws up these genetic freaks sometimes. It's no one's fault. The only possible solution is a fairy tale, a greatest love story ever told. What are the chances?

2:23 AM, January 22, 2007  
Anonymous CuteGenes said...

The mystery method is a huge marketing gimmick. These guys have made millions off of socially inadequate males. The men who literally buy into this are suckers. The method may facilitate more interest in the "pua" initially, for the novelty of the experience, but a man's true personality and qualities will ultimately previal and will determine the quality of women he attracts. As a woman of above average looks and intelligence (the target)who has read up on the methodology, I will avoid those employing it with greater resistance than the sweet and sincere "chumps". Women, please, inform yourselves on the mystery method so you may recognize and avoid these suckers before they sucker you. It is nothing more than a cheap tool to get you into the sack in the vast majority of cases. The overwhelming majority of men using it are not at all interested in you; they are in it for the conquest. As with any insider info, once it becomes common knowledge its value/effectiveness will diminish. I am now committed to informing as many of my female comrades as possible on the signals to watch for to avoid being fooled by the fools who have bought stock in this repulsive strategy. It pleases me to know that this method will surely have an expiration date.

10:41 AM, January 27, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Start realizing the real world. Women are helpless stupid people craving for someone to lead them. They are not nice. Nicety comes from withing and only men possess it. Everything is learnt, nothing comes from the heart.

Write a list what is considered nice and show it to a woman. Give her time to learn and she will behave exactly like that.

This is the reason why females switch between testing and 'being nice' so regularily. They don't mean it, they don't feel it. It is a means to an end.

12:14 PM, February 03, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Move on.

So, she's beautiful. Who cares. 120 minutes infront of a minor to go anywhere. Hello....

But will she meet your desires. See the Hello above. Sorry girl, yes, my heart stopped when I saw you, but dam there are so MANY WILLING women that WILL PLEASE me beyond your shallow personality; please, go away!


Dudes, loves the women who let you strock your fingures thru their hair. Deny, the High Maintentance, never happy, Oh God, I'm so beautiful."

It's funny. Their beauty is date sentative.

7:19 PM, March 01, 2007  

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